The Wheel of Time (A Review)

It’s like the Lord of the Rings. Only longer.

DOM’S MOVIE FILES VOLUME 2: “Tape 122 and Tape 124”

(As promised, I am skipping the explanation for this. Refer to the last entry for an explanation)

Good Will Hunting (1997)

Matt Damon is a street smart punk who is smarter than everyone at Harvard, including the professors. He solves math problems and then  Robin Williams tells him it is not his fault.  (It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.) Ben Affleck is super Ben Afflecky.  Also there is some conversation about apples with a guy who looks like Eric Stoltz but apparently isn’t.

I have to admit this movie never fails to make me tear up a little.

8/10

The Postman (1997)

Kevin Costner delivers mail and Tom Petty used to be famous.  Mad Max is nowhere to be found, but would have fit right in. This movie was panned relentlessly on release and failed to make any money, much like the ill fated Waterworld. However, it’s really not that bad of a movie. The end gets a little contrived and preachy, but I still find it an enjoyable watch.

6/10

Storyville (1992)

James Spader is some sort of hillbilly lawyer or something.  While trying to get out of some blackmail issues he discovers his entire family is pretty much a bunch of scumbags. (Especially good ole Uncle Jason Robards) This is as good a time to mention that throughout my childhood I thought James Spader and Judge Reinhold were the same person. I think I dozed off during parts of this, so maybe I’m not giving it a fair shake, but I thought it was pretty dull.

5/10

Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels do a bunch of really dumb but hilarious stuff.  I have to admit, even after 26 years this move still made me crack up quite a few times. Silly, pointless and fun, exactly what a comedy should be. To this day I still haven’t seen the sequel. Someday I may remedy that.

7/10

Armageddon (1998)

This movie contains so much bad acting, horrible script writing, and crappy editing that you end up rooting for the giant meteor that is on its way to crash into the Earth.  Unfortunately John McClain and a couple relatively unknown actors are the only ones to bite the dust.  (You might wish you had if you actually sit through all 9 hours of this atrocity. Ok it’s not really 9 hours long but it seems like it)  So do yourself a favor and find the “Just The Scenes With Steve Buscemi” edition.   If it wasn’t for him I would give this movie ZERO stars.

3/10

Small Soldiers (1998)

A bunch of toys come to life and wage war on each other.  Watching it made me sad about Phil Hartman all over again. I remember seeing this in the theater and loving it. It still holds up. Tons of great cameos make this movie even more fun. Some of the later Toy Story movies borrowed a few beats from this I think.

7/10

Big Top Pee Wee (1988)

Pee Wee allows a bunch of circus people to stay on his farm.   This movie just is not anywhere near as good as Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.  That being said, anything with Paul Reubens in it has at least some mild entertainment value, and it’s a must for any Pee Wee Herman fans. Look for a hard to spot FIRST theatrical appearance by Benicio Del Toro and an even harder to spot cameo by none other than the great Chris Christofferson!!!

5/10

(In case you were wondering, Tape 123 is missing. Most likely it broke and I threw it away. Odds are I will never know what was on it, as my card catalogue isn’t cross referenced. I would have to go through every card looking for the ones for Tape 123.)

My latest Movie Marathon Volume 1: Tape # 121

EXPOSITION: Don’t tell the FBI, but throughout much of the 90’s (and even into the beginning of the current century) an obsessive hobby of mine was to rent stacks of movies from every video stores I could find, and using 2 VCRs and sometimes a descrambler for so called “protected tapes” (snicker) archive them onto 8 hour tapes for my own repeated home viewing enjoyment. I even went so far as to make a Dewy Decimal system card catalogue for this colossal endeavor. Many of these films I taped while sleeping or delivering pizzas at my second job, and to this day I have not actually watched a great number of them. Once again I am attempting to remedy this by going through all the tapes (I have over 300 of them, each of which has 3-5 movies on them) Pictured below are the first 6 of 30 drawers.

I am writing short synopses and reviews of them as I go, and giving each film a 1-10 rating. This project is primarily for my own reference in order to keep track of what I have watched recently but if you’re bored with your dad’s porn collection you are welcome to come along for the ride. Back in the day I would rent movies pretty much at random, sometimes going through sections grabbing tapes off the shelf in alphabetical order no matter what they were about. These movies range from great to awful, and cover virtually every genre of film there is. (In future installments that I will probably never write, I will dispense with all this exposition and dive right into the reviews)

SHORT CUTS (1993)

A bunch of Los Angeles people’s lives are intimately connected in ways they are unaware of.  Almost every American actor working in 1993 is in this movie, unless they were a person of color. (Apparently their services were not required.) Tom Waits and Lily Tomlin are particularly amusing, as is one scene in which Robert Downey Jr. farts. Also of note is Lyle Lovett as a disgruntled pastry chef with some seriously lacking social skills. A good rambling way to waste over 3 hours of your day, but don’t expect a point. (In spite of how it may sound, I actually enjoy this movie)

7/10

Silence of the Lambs (1991)

A creepy dude with a funny voice keeps girls in a well so he can later skin them and make himself a woman suit.  Jodie Foster has an interview with a serial killer. Scott Glenn does his usual impersonation of Scott Glenn. I heard a rumor that Sir Anthony Hopkins is in it too but I couldn’t spot him.

9/10

Mighty Aphrodite (1995)

Woody Allen stalks Mira Sorvino, and ends up paying for her prostitution services though he never actually ends up engaging in sexual intercourse with her. He does all this because he finds out she is the biological mother of the genius son which he and his wife Helena Bonham Carter adopted.  (Which he never reveals to her) I know Woody turned out to be a total piece of shit but you know what, I still like his movies. (Well, most of them, but we’ll get to that.) Also of note is that Sorvino won the best supporting actress Oscar for her role in this movie.

7/10

The Wrong Trousers (1993)

Grommet the dog does not trust the new lodger that his owner Wallace lets into their home to help make ends meet. (He does this because he is a terrible inventor, much like the father in Gremlins.)  The lodger in question is a penguin who is certainly up to no good. (I mean just look at the guy!) This is real live action Claymation, folks. They really don’t make them like this any more.

9/10

So all in all, no real stinkers on this first tape I grabbed. I’ve actually gone through several of these tapes in the last couple weeks, so I have some catching up to do.

The Brood (Domingo’s VHS Vault # 1)

I had an idea yesterday that I’m sure I’ll be really enthusiastic about for a few days and then completely lose interest, cause I do that, but for now let’s assume I’m actually the type of person who finishes what he starts.  Here is the Eureka type idea:

“I will watch…and write a review of….EVERY SINGLE MOVIE THAT I OWN!!”

That may not sound like that big of a deal except for the fact that I own around 5000 movies.  You read that right.  Five.  THOUSAND.  Movies.  And that’s a conservative estimate.

I was considering starting a whole new blog for this venture, but decided to just create a sub-category instead.  “Domingo’s VHS Vault. ” I did this partially because I’m too lazy to start a whole new blog, and partially because the blog I already have has been far too neglected of late.  I may write another entry explaining this neglect today or I may not.  I would bet on NOT.  (But one never knows, especially when alcohol is involved, which I began consuming today well before noon)

So without further ado I will jump right into it!  It should be duly noted that in further blogs from this sub-category I will dispense with all this rambling exposition, but as it has been quite some time since I have contributed to my blog, I can’t really help myself.)

THE BROOD

1979

Directed by David Cronenberg

Starring Oliver Reed (you might know him as that guy that died while he was making “Gladiator” with Russel Crowe) , Art Hindle and Samantha Eggar

So yesterday afternoon I popped this tape in. (Yeah it’s an actual VHS tape. Some of these movie reviews, assuming at the moment I ever actually do any more, may end up being DVD, BLU-Ray or stuff I watched online, but I’m going to continue to call these blogs “Domingo’s VHS Vault,” because as far as I’m concerned there never has been a better medium for viewing films, and there never will be.  Don’t bother arguing if you believe otherwise.  You are wrong.)

I knew I was in for a treat when I noticed this movie was directed by David Cronenberg.  This guy was the MASTER of weird psychological horror in the 70’s.

Listen,  I’m going to spoil the shit out of this movie right off the bat, so if you care, go watch it, and then come back to see what I have to say about it. Or don’t.  I don’t really give a shit what you do to be honest, but don’t come whining about it later.  I will only point and laugh at you, since you have in fact been warned.

Here’s the basic premise:  Some guy’s crazy wife is in a weird asylum run by a quirky psychiatrist (Oliver Reed) who uses a theatrical form of confrontational psychology that is supposed to make a person separate themselves from their most destructive emotions.  The guy does NOT trust this psychiatrist (and who would?  Oliver Reed was MOSTLY known for playing villains) and he becomes further concerned when his young daughter comes back from visiting her mother with a bunch of bruises and scratches on her.  He confronts the psychiatrist and tells him he doesn’t want his wife to have contact with their daughter anymore but is told that would interfere with her therapy.   Then a bunch of savage murders start to happen to people around him.  By murders I mean people are bludgeoned to death by deformed children.  One of the “children” dies after the attack and is examined.   They are indeed CREEPY looking as fuck.

HERE COME THE SPOILERS:

Turns out the murderous “children” ARE in fact the wife’s separated emotions of anger and vengeance. Eventually a couple of them kidnap the young daughter and the husband goes to the Asylum to confront the doctor (who actually turns out NOT to be the bad guy at all but is sincerely trying to help!)  In the climactic ending, the husband sees his wife give “birth” to one of these creatures while several others beat Oliver Reed to death.

So  how did I feel about this movie?

Like most Cronenberg movies of this era, a creepy and unsettling tone is set right from the beginning, but also the story seems kind of dull and plodding for the first 45 minutes or so and I found myself wondering when and if anything was actually going to happen.  Still I found myself enjoying it and when it got to the climax, when the wife (Samatha Eggar) reveals she is about to spawn another of The Brood I literally sat up off the couch and said (out loud, in an empty apartment:  “WHAT…THE…FUCK?”)

She literally rips an embryonic pouch off her belly, peels the mutant baby out of it, and begins LICKING THE BLOOD OFF IT!   (Apparently this was improvised on the spot by Eggar) In order to save the day the husband must to strangle her to death, at which point the brood children all drop dead, though not in time to save Oliver Reed.  (poor sap)

I grant this film 7 out of 10.  (I haven’t decided what I will use as stars yet.  I was considering Orange Slices, as there is a bag of them sitting on my desk right now.  Where was I when Ant Man needed me?)

Good wholesome family fun.  Make plenty of popcorn before viewing!

 

To Zig or Not To Zig, That is the Question

This blog has been in the works, in one way or another, for a couple of years now, and I’m actually pretty excited about it now that i’m finally writing it, because the fact is it’s going to burst some bubbles.  It might even cost me a couple Facebook friends, though I admit I hope not, because said Facebook friends are people whose friendships I have come to value over the course of the last couple years but that will hopefully be explained by the end of this writing.   Also I’m once again going to delve back into the subject of memes, which I DO realize was the subject of the last full blog I wrote and published, but the truth is: MEMES. ARE. LIFE.

First, a brief timeline of my introduction to someone known as Glenn Anzalone, AKA Glenn Danzig.

Late 1980’s I discover, through friends I had made in high school, the wonders of punk rock music.  I was hooked.  I didn’t give a shit about whatever “message” was being sent.  It was fun and loud, with catchy tunes and driving rhythms.  Punk albums also, as it turned out, typically had interesting and colorful artwork on the covers.  To this day those two factors are the primary reasons I will purchase an album and listen to it.  During this formative period of my life I became very familiar with the most common of these bands, such as Ramones, The Dead Kennedys, The Clash,  Black Flag, Minor Threat, and another fairly popular one known, simply,  as The Misfits.  By the time I discovered the latter band, they had already come and gone, though their music continued to live on, as good music always does.  Here they are in person, enjoy:

I really liked this band.  What was good about them, to me, as previously stated, lied primarily in the fact that they had catchy tunes.  Their songs consisted of fast melodic guitar hooks, driving dance inducing drum beats and to top it all off their lyrics, (the least important factor in music, in my opinion) mostly derived from another lifelong love of mine: classic horror movies.   The singer’s name was Glenn Danzig, though truth be told I was not even aware of that until much later, being far more interested in the music itself as opposed to the people who were in fact creating said music.

Later on Glenn Danzig became something of a joke among a good portion of my circle of friends.  After the Misfits he became more of a “Metal Guy,” which was not something I really listened to at the time,  (though I have since remedied that situation) and he had developed a reputation as being sort of cocky, and was quite infamous for a back stage incident in which he got dropped like a stone by a great big fat guy with a singular punch.  Most people who didn’t listen to Danzig would still be familiar with his one really big hit:  “Mother.”  (Which is not a bad song but not particularly Misfits-like, when it comes right down to it)  Here he is about to get dropped like a stone by a great big fat guy:

So I didn’t really listen to any of his “metal music” at that time. A few decades went by.  Something called “The Internet” came along.  Through this new phenomenon I became acquainted with two things that would make my life worth living again, now that the novelty of drugs and rock n roll had long since worn off.  One was called “Blogs” which it turned out was just like writing in a journal, except you could easily get people to read it!   The other thing was called “Memes.”  Turned out there were a ton of them based on Glenn Danzig.  This is probably the first one I encountered, and I admit it made me laugh out loud the first time I saw it:

Not long after this I joined a Facebook group called Keep On Danzig, or KOD for short.  I discovered I could get a lot of instant gratification in the form of internet attention by making my own Danzig Memes.  This was the very first one I made myself:

With some trepidation I posted it and surprisingly got a very positive response.  The group is supposed to be very much NON political, but I guess I got away with this as it could be viewed as ambiguous (in spite of the fact that I fucking HATE Trump and everything he stands for.)   In any event I was in and for the next two years I cranked out somewhere around a hundred Danzig related memes.  This led many people to come to the conclusion that I must be some sort of Danzig UBER fan.   (Guess what I’m not really.) Facebook friends began posting every tidbit of Danzig related info on my page, including at least a dozen or so “Tiny Danzig Memes,” which was ironically the very meme that started this whole obsession in the first place!  It all came full circle when a friend posted THIS on my page:

And the reason I say “Full Circle” is that I had, in fact, made this meme myself, sometime before that.

And yet, the truth of the matter is (and here is where my my friend’s list may start plummeting in number)  I still wasn’t really that big of a Danzig fan.   Honestly I didn’t know much about him other than the fact that he was the original singer of The Misfits and the guy that wrote and sang “Mother.”  I however, at this time,  started checking out his music, and found that I actually LIKED it!  (More than I thought I would, in fact) but to be honest if it wasn’t for memes I probably never would  have listened to it in the first place. I liked the Misfits.  That was it.  I joined KOD as something of a poser.

But through it I discovered a great deal about Danzig, and in fact ended up going to one of his concerts.  (Which was pretty groovy.)

Oh yeah and fuck Elvis.  I’m getting a little too drunk to keep writing this now so I’m going to go ahead and post it.  (Feeling pretty cute.  May edit or delete later. idk)

 

One Liner Wednesday

Waiting for my vacation, waiting for the days to count down like sand through the hour glass on that daytime soap opera my mom used to watch, waiting to board a big ole jet airliner so I can go see an old friend from many years gone by, waiting for Endgame, waiting, waiting, waiting.

I’ve been off the grid for a long time as far as blogging, so I’m really happy I came across Linda Hill’s One Liner Wednesday prompt to help me get back in the swing of things and re-ignite some activity on my sadly neglected blog.

One-Liner Wednesday – Waiting

 

 

The Unbearable Dankness of Meming

Long ago, back in the days of yore, there was a brief period of time during which I was REALLY into “This Thing Of Ours”  (IE: blogging.)  So much so, in fact, that I embarked once upon a true summer of bliss and in August of that year did in fact succeed in providing the world with no less than one blog per day for an entire month!  A major accomplishment to be sure, but the truth is this sudden burst of uncharacteristic motivation was inspired by the desire to get laid.  And it almost worked.  Almost.

Then I fell back into the pit of despair that is my usual day to day drudgery.  I went to work.  I went back home.  I sat in my apartment and played solitaire on my computer, listened to depressing music, consumed varying amounts of alcohol,  smoked weed when it was available, and did little else.  A year went by.  I had a girlfriend for a minute but that pretty much turned out to be a sham, which I should have known.  (In fact I did know but…I went through the motions anyway, cause why not?)

Then my step dad died so I wrote a blog about him.  Another year went by.

Then one of the best friends I have ever had died and I wrote a blog about her.   And another year went by.

 

If it sounds like my life is completely miserable…let me just stop you right there.  Because I at least have a sense of humor.  And I find comfort in the little things.

 

For instance, I like to make, and share memes.  Sometimes they make sense only to me.

Sometimes they appeal to a much wider audience.  Our current “president” for instance… I have to admit… I’m kind of thankful for.  His stupidity is a constant source for new humorous material.  So what if the end of our planet is almost certainly being hastened by his ignorance? It’s funny, right?  After all, we’re all going to die anyway.  We might as well have a good laugh while we’re waiting.

I wasn’t planning to live forever anyway.

This new thing of mine pretty much all started with something called “Danzig Memes.” For those of you who are uneducated in the ways of Danzig:  Glenn Danzig is a singer.  He was the front man for a great horror punk band called The Misfits, who had their hey day from the late 70’s into the early 80’s.

Danzig is known primarily for being really short and saying “WHOA” at some point in almost every one of his songs.  All of these things make excellent contributions to the art form known as Danzig Meming and there are several fan groups dedicated to this subculture of memery.  I myself have joined several of these and had a great time contributing my creations to them.  I was unfortunately kicked out of the biggest one due to a schism between members that I really had nothing to do with,  but whatever.  So it goes.

So I moved on to other subject matter.  Such as popular current television trends coupled with ancient and long deceased musicians.

Old fashioned holiday songs people are currently offended by due to possible date-rapey connotations mixed in with blatant racial stereotypes make excellent meme fare.

Memes featuring Dwight Schrute of The Office never fail to elicit a positive response:

And when all else fails:  The Room:

Occasionally a new trend will start, and I always try to jump on the bandwagon, especially when such trends inexplicably remind me of someone I’d rather not be reminded of.

Maybe tomorrow I will write an actual blog.  Probably I won’t though.  This is my life now.

And It’s Another Good Bye To Another Good Friend

Over a quarter of a century ago I made the acquaintance of a girl who would end up having a significant impact on my life though of course I didn’t know it at the time.  We were just kids, or teenagers I should say, and we met in passing at some crowded Jackson house party that neither of us really wanted to be at.  At the time she was dating one of my best friends from high school and when we were introduced neither of us took much note of the other.   I think something like “Hi.  It’s nice to meet you.”  was said.  I didn’t even know how to properly spell her name for a couple years.  (I spelled it Leneah,)

It’s Linnea, not Leneah

Yet over the next couple years we found ourselves in the same cluster of people time and time again.  Socially we both inhabited the outer fringe of what I have come to call the Jackson “Alterna-Teen Crowd.”  It was the early 90’s and “not fitting in” had become cool, thanks in large part to the emergence of Nirvana and Pearl Jam as main stream bands.    Yet within that circle of misunderstood and mostly artistic misfits she and I inhabited an even smaller circle of folks who didn’t even really fit in with the people who didn’t fit in, and we were both quite content in bearing that distinction.  Frequently we found ourselves at events where mutual friends were performing in bands but the two of us would pair up and sit in some corner away from everyone else and play cards or talk about movies.  It was quickly realized we had pretty much the exact same quirky, sarcastic irreverent sense of humor.

This album helped make the weird kids the cool kids.

Over the years we became very good friends.  As the “Alterna-Teen Crowd” got older and many of them disappeared into careers, families or in some cases prison, our friendship lingered and we became frequent movie buddies.  We went to one after another, sometimes as often as one or two a week.  I think a conservative estimate could be made that we went to at least 100 movies together over the course of the next few years, and always before or after the movie a meal was enjoyed at any one of Jackson’s many illustrious dining establishments.  Favorites of ours were Denny’s, Lucky’s Pit Stop Cafe if we were in the mood for Chinese, Denny’s, Bob Evans if we were feeling adventurous,  Denny’s,  Jaxxon Pizza Factory if we were in the mood for pizza and have I mentioned Denny’s yet?  A note about our dining experiences, yet another thing that united us was our love for Coca-Cola and utter revulsion at the thought of drinking Pepsi.  If we ever got the dreaded “Is Pepsi OK?” response from a waitress, we never went back to that particular establishment if we didn’t in fact, walk out immediately.  One night while I was working at my lonely 3rd shift gas station gig I took the initiative and called every restaurant in the entire “Greater Metro Jackson Area” (snicker) and asked them if they served Coke or Pepsi, thus creating a list of acceptable establishments for our dining experiences.

Little Nicky was another movie we saw together, and we both laughed hysterically at this line…because we got it.  Totally.  

When we weren’t going out to the theater, we would hang out at my place and watch movies, or marathon through various television shows such as Seinfeld, Northern Exposure, or X Files.  We even tried to watch The Garbage Pail Kids Movie once, which is in my list of Top Ten Worst Movies ever made that aren’t even fun to watch.  (Trust me on this one.  No matter how morbidly curious you are.  Our time on this orb is way too short to be wasted on this sort of nonsense.)

A funny anecdote from this time period is that apparently at some point we went to see a movie called Conspiracy Theory and for some reason I just could not remember that I went with her.  This came about because I once asked her:  “Have you ever seen Conspiracy Theory?” (totally serious) and was greeted with a blank expression and a “Who do you think you went to that with?”  This probably would be an unremarkable story except for the fact that, some time later, I did it again!  (And I wasn’t kidding.  I was just thoroughly convinced I had gone to that particular movie with a different person.)  I’ve never figured out why.  I guess it may have been some sort of…conspiracy.

We did other things too.  I took her to her first, and as far as I know only “Rock Concert.”  This was Weird Al Yankovic at Jackson Community College and was honestly one of the best concerts I have ever been to.  (And unlike her I’ve been to literally hundreds of concerts.)  We were both obsessed with Weird Al for a long time afterwards and I collected every one of his albums.

One Halloween we dressed up in costumes and drove all the way to Monroe Michigan, which is roughly 50 miles away from Jackson.  She was Raggedy Ann and I was a Jedi who roughly resembled Qui Gon Jinn.  We had convinced ourselves we wanted to go on something called a “Haunted Hay Ride.”  We drove all the way there, decided it was too cold, got food from a Wendy’s and drove all the way back, where we watched Halloween I and II.  We had embarked on a 100 mile road trip to acquire fast food.  That was the sort of thing we did.  All the time.

Behold the terrifying Cedar Creek Mine Ride!  Reaching face melting speeds of 30 miles per hour and carrying you up to dizzying heights of FIFTY FEET!  

One year she convinced me to go to Cedar Point with her.  She thought I would be a good partner for this endeavor as I am deathly afraid of heights, and hence would share her desire to only ride the older, smaller rides.  (The Classics.)  What she may not have realized was that I had in fact never been on a roller coaster and it took two full passes through the park, copious amounts of alcohol on my part, and her finally getting frustrated enough to ask “Are we ever actually going to ride anything!?!” before I agreed to get on the mortifying CEDAR CREEK MINE RIDE!!!  Once the initial horror faded it ended up being a lot of fun.  So much so that I went with her one more time that summer, and the following year we bought season passes and went 9 times in one year.  I have tons of hilarious stories about these trips but I have already written and posted them in great detail in the following blogs.

https://domingosaurusrex.wordpress.com/2015/08/19/the-cedar-point-chronicles-part-one/

https://domingosaurusrex.wordpress.com/2015/08/20/the-cedar-point-chronicles-part-two/

https://domingosaurusrex.wordpress.com/2015/08/21/the-cedar-point-chronicles-part-3/

https://domingosaurusrex.wordpress.com/2015/08/23/the-cedar-point-chronicles-part-4/

https://domingosaurusrex.wordpress.com/2015/08/27/wanna-got-to-cedar-point-today-naaaah-lets-go-explore-grand-rapids-i-said-it-will-be-fun-i-said/

One of only two known photographs of the two of us together.  The other is also from Cedar Point.   

Another tradition we began together was our annual “Christmas Movie Marathon.”  She would come over to my apartment early in the morning and we would prepare ridiculous amounts of food and sit around gorging ourselves and marathoning through Christmas movies and various Christmas related specials from our youth.   We did this around…you guessed it: Christmas and the event took place exactly twice.  The last time was at the tail end of the year 2000 and towards the end we got bored with Christmas movies and decided to go see Castaway, which was in the theaters at the time.  I had no idea that it would be the last time we would attend a movie together.  Soon  thereafter it was announced that she was pregnant with her first child and she was soon married and settling down to the business of creating a family.

From left to right:  Linnea, Ginger, Wyatt, Husband Zachary and Max.  Youngest daughter Daisy was not yet born. 

So our “hanging out” days had come to a close but not so our friendship.  We stayed in  touch, and once in a great while found time for a brief lunch outing.  Then at long last I moved away from Jackson to continue my “schooling” and we saw each other even less, though from time to time we exchanged letters, usually on or around each other’s birthdays.

Then, just a few years ago, she finally jumped on the Facebook bandwagon and we were able to communicate whenever we wanted and kept each other abreast of our respective life adventures, hers in Parenthood and mine in Bachelorhood.  I was kept up to date on her transition from a ballet dancer to a teacher and then one day not so long ago she had succeeded in establishing her very own school:  Grace School of Dance.

It wasn’t too long after that when she announced she had cancer.  I did my best at the only thing I’ve ever really been good at, getting a laugh out of her as much as possible.  For a pretty impressive streak (for me) I posted a funny cat picture a day on her FB page and only one of them ended up offending her.  (I should have known better considering it came from a website entitled simply “Cats That Look Like Hitler dot Com.”)  Eventually I started having a hard time finding Funny Cat Pics that weren’t offensive so I moved on to other things, like some of our favorite Far Sides and stuff like that.

Over the next few years she had ups and downs with her sickness but she always seemed positive and I’m sure a lot of that had to do with the wonderful support network she had in her husband, parents and children.  I got to attend a couple of the Christmas ballets her company put on and she was always happy to see me afterward.   One time I came with a friend from work (Rachel) who I had told Linnea (in confidence, mind you) distinctly resembled a character from one of our favorite shows: Northern Exposure.  The character’s name is Eve and as soon as Linnea saw her she exclaimed “Oh my God! She does look like Eve!”     (Then I had to explain to Rachel who Eve was and what Northern Exposure was.)

This is Eve, from Northern Exposure.  The actress is Valerie Mahaffey,  (I only know this because I just google searched it.) 

Two weeks ago at the time of this writing Linnea was moved from her home to a Hospice care facility.  One week ago today I went to see her and I am very glad I did.  I wasn’t sure what it would be like but it turned out to be a very comforting experience.  She was surrounded by friends and family the whole time, and her husband and parents welcomed me warmly and thanked me for coming.  They immediately offered me the place of honor right next to her bed where she was sleeping soundly.  We all chatted about our memories with Linnea and it was lighthearted and even jovial.  There was a great deal of laughter, which I know is exactly how she wanted it.  She slept through most of my visit but did wake up several times and lit up just a little bit when she saw me sitting there next to her.   It was really hard to leave, because I knew this was good bye for real.

And sure enough it was  She passed away less than a week later.

It doesn’t seem fair that she is gone and I am still here but there it is and that’s the way things are and so it goes.    I’m having a really difficult time trying to decide how to end this…so here’s a picture of a Storm-trooper hitting his head.

CLUNK!

If you don’t understand why this is hilarious that’s OK.  Linnea will get it and if she manages to find time in Heaven to read my little tribute to her,  I’ll bet she’s laughing right now.

That One Time Robocop Had An Affair and Maybe Also Killed Some People.

First of all it’s been at least a year and a half since my last blog posting.  All I have to say about that is…”Bitches. Work. Bitches.  Danzig Memes.”

I may write a blog about these things at some point but most likely I won’t, because every time I say I’m going to write about a particular subject I end up not doing so. (I’m not sure why.)

OK, actually I’ll almost certainly end up writing a post about Danzig Memes.  Possibly as early as tomorrow night.  Here’s a preview:

I’ve been making a lot of Danzig Memes lately. It’s sort of become my thing.

(Sooooo…anywhoooo:)

I had actually planned on getting some work done on my apartment tonight.  (I still may do so.)  But first, I prepared a burger and some fries and sat down to watch yet another in a continuing series of what was sure to be a pretty bad “80’s Horror Movie.”  I’ve been in a mood for those of late, and have been working my way through somebody’s list of about 500 titles on something called “Youtube,” and started off with one called “Bloody New Year.”  It was so “Bloody Boring As Shit.”  So much so that after I finished my dinner I slept through the vast majority of the rest of it.

I woke up in time for the next film on the list, which seemed a bit more promising as it had Peter Weller in it.  (I like Peter Weller. He starred in such classics as Buckaroo Banzai, Robocop, Naked Lunch, some movie where he fights a giant mutated rat in his apartment while his wife and kids are away, one of the more recent Star Trek films…and lots of other stuff.  I could go on and on, he’s great) It also had another name in it I recognized; “John Glover.” I remembered him as being General Veers from my favorite movie of all time:  “The Empire Strikes Back,” so I was excited to see him in a movie with Peter Weller.

There’s a slight chance a few of you might also recognize him as a Bond Villain, an Indiana Jones Villain, or even more recently a Game of Thrones (kind of) Villain. Ever the villain has been “John Glover.” (It’s the resting bitch face, I suppose)

 

NOW HOLD ON!!!  It was about two thirds of the way through the movie when I realized I was thinking of JULIAN Glover, not to be confused with DONALD Glover and most certainly not to be confused with the person who was actually in this movie; JOHN Glover.  (Sorry to dash the hopes of the few of you out there who might be reading this that are even more pathetic than I am, with your fingers already poised over your keyboards excitedly waiting to jiz your pants whilst correcting my oh so embarrassing error.  I already figured it out for myself, thank you very much.)

This is John Glover, not to be confused with Julian or Danny Glover. He was in Smallville.

So the movie starts.  I get about ten minutes in before I’m thinking about skipping it to get to the next film on the list.  First of all, the particular recording I was viewing seemed to be of extremely poor film quality.  It almost looked black and white though the movie was clearly not.  (For the record, I don’t mind black and white movies as long as they are meant to be black and white.)  To add to my boredom the film starts out with a rambling plot which seems to center around a complete dickhead of some form of “Mill Manager.”  (To my immediate recollection, they never do mention just what exactly is being milled)   The story was hard to follow at first, but it seemed clear this “Mill Manager” was having one or more affairs and was a complete asshole to his workers.  To be honest the film was hard to follow at first what with the distraction of the poor film quality and my eternal need for another drink   Where the fuck was Robocop?  Where the fuck was General Veers?  I hadn’t spotted either yet and to be honest it seemed it was going to be hard to do so what with the awful film quality. Yet as so often happens I really had nothing better to do anyway so I poured myself another cocktail and soldiered on.  (Like a BOSS!)

And man am I glad I did. Do you ever start watching a movie… absolutely hate it,… then for some reason,… a little ways in, find yourself transfixed by it and decide you just have to see it through to the end?  More often than not it still ends up being, like most things in life,  a complete waste of time and a massive disappointment, but in this particular instance (SPOILER ALERT) that was not to be the case!

Sometimes as simple a factor as the haunting beauty of the main starlet of a film will keep me engrossed and such was the case with the character that is soon established as the main protagonist, played by Kathy Baker.  (A woman I had never heard of before)  In this movie she was beautiful and intense and for some reason I just wanted to keep watching her.  (Also I’m a perv.)

Not the best image of her from the movie, but the best one I could find to use in my blog.

Then of course Peter Weller finally appears, and is awesome as always in his own weird droll “Peter Weller” way.  I still kept waiting to spot General Veers.  I began to think he may have been the asshole Mill Manager, who (SPOILER ALERT) dies pretty early on.

(ADDITIONAL SPOILER ALERT) It wasn’t.

The movie actually gets better and better.  Surprises are heaped on and eventually I began to not even notice the shitty look of the film.  (I wouldn’t mind seeing a digitally restored dvd version of it sometime.  None of that High Def shit though. I can’t even stand to be in the same room with that garbage.  I’ll never understand why people like it. It makes everything look like a British Soap Opera.

The ending of the movie is INSANE and made me literally say “HOLY FUCK!!!” out loud by myself in my room.  (And at that point I wan’t even really drunk yet.)

Also by that time I had figured out who John Glover is, and recognized him as being that dude that played Lex Luther’s father on “Smallville.”  (And he’s one of the few redeeming qualities of that show I might add. )

In conclusion, if you get a chance and you feel so inclined, you should totally watch A Killing Affair.  (To make sure it’s clarified, I’m talking about the 1986 one, not the EXTREMELY ironically titled 1977 one with OJ Simpson.)

Oh were you expecting an actual film review?  Sorry.  Go to Rotten Tomatoes or something for that kind of shit.

I’m Voting For Hillary Clinton, But I’m Secretly Hoping Donald Trump Wins the “Election.” (Here’s Why.)

Anyone who has ever read any of my blogs probably realizes I lean just a little bit towards the cynical side.   The truth is that’s a bit of an understatement.  I’m pretty sure I’m actually a full blown sociopath, but it’s not my fault. It really isn’t.  I blame “Society.”

In person I’m actually a pretty friendly guy.  That’s because I have absolutely nothing against individual people, and choose to be nice to others as much as possible. However I absolutely loathe our society.  I mean LOATHE it down to it’s core.

The pre-1940’s equivalent of a “Trump Rally”  People are dumb-asses now and they were dumb-asses then.

Human beings are absolutely, without a doubt THE lowest form of organism on the face of the planet we are so giddily demolishing.  We are after all the ONLY living beings capable of malicious intent.  Say what you will about animals that eat other animals, invasive plant species that invade and kill other plants, viruses that invade the bodies of other living organisms; the truth is none of these things are truly evil.  They have no malicious intent. They do what they do to survive and it is purely instinctual, not thought out.

On the other hand, the atrocities human beings inflict on each other (not to mention innocent wildlife and the planet itself) is nothing new.  We are fully capable of grasping the moral implications and yet we perform horrible acts daily.  Arguably it’s been going on since the first proto-humans figured out a way to communicate with other proto-humans.  Almost immediately it became the norm to hoard objects or land,  (equate with money) come up with wild ridiculous theories about natural phenomenon that could be used to exploit or ostracize entire groups of other people (equate with religion) and to make war on one another in all cases using  one or the other, (or both) of the aforementioned idiocies to do so.

It’s only much worse now because there are so many more of us.  Not only that we are more aware of it thanks in part to the fact that nearly everyone is now walking around with their own personal video recording devices.  (Which is very inconvenient for the the alleged “authorities” who wish to get away with brutalizing the very same people their supposed to be working for.)

At this point I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that it’s time for humanity to step aside.  There’s simply no hope for us.  The vast majority of our brainless masses are simply too stupid to ever better themselves or their world. Greed, intolerance, and ignorance are our masters now.  I was kind of hoping for alien invasion, but I think the plain and simple fact is that at this point our “progress” has completely ruined the planet far beyond any chance that extra terrestrial life would even have any interest in it.  Our salvation (through self elimination) must come from within.  So now at last I see an answer:  Donald Trump.

This is the guy the movie Idiocracy tried to warn us about.  (You thought it was a comedy, but no…it was a documentary…From The FUTURE!)    A Donald Trump presidency would certainly bring about the end of the world as we know it.  (If Lenny Bruce is not afraid it’s because he’s dead.)

Donald Trump has the potential to be America’s version of Adolph Hitler, for real.  It really doesn’t matter that, unlike Hitler, he’s just not very bright, and neither are his supporters, because nowadays the world has the firepower to destroy itself something like 8000 times over.

So elect Trump, start World War 3 (which I pretty much envision as America and Britain as the Axis Powers versus the Rest of the World) and end the curse of Humanity that this planet has had the misfortune of enduring for the past million years or so.  (give or take a millennium.)  Because believe me:  NOBODY is going to win World War 3.

I can’t do it myself because I could just never vote for a republican under any circumstances, but by all means elect Donald Trump.  See what happens.  I dare you.  I Triple-Dog dare you!  (Do you see what I did there?  I created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the required double dog dare and leaping right to the triple dog dare, but nobody will remember my gaff when we’re all being melted by nuclear devastation.)

Oh yeah and on a lighter note, did anyone else catch that Stranger Things show?  That shit was DOPE yo!