Friendship Beads

2 Jun

When I was in 7th grade, which I believe was around 25 years ago, I had a Geography teacher named Mr. Redding.  As I began writing this I considered changing his name to a fictional one in order to ensure his anonymity, but in the end I figured: what the hell.    (I was going to call him Mr. Garrison, due to the fact that he was bald and slightly effeminate, though I’m pretty sure he wasn’t gay, and at no point did he ever use a puppet to teach class.  Not that there’s anything wrong with either of those things, but I felt I should point them out.)  In any event I’ve decided to stick with Mr. Redding, which was his actual name.   I doubt very much after all if he will ever come across this blog.

garrison

just in case you’ve never seen an episode of South Park

The most irritating thing about Mr. Redding was he was insanely boring.  Not only that he was completely and totally without humor of any kind.  In fact when it comes right down to it the latter was probably the cause of the former, but let’s not get into complicated semantics here.   In any event we were expected to be quiet and respectful while he was “lecturing.”  If anyone wasn’t, he would not hesitate to send said person to the dreaded “Office,” where one could be expected to be rebuked at length by our Junior High principal, who looked a lot like Don King, the infamous boxing manager.   (I kid you not.)

DqqmbbQEGneUllB3JWZA_Don_King

just in case you don’t know who Don King is

This in fact never once happened to me, though it came really close once.  (The tale I am about to relate.) I can honestly say, in all sincerity, I have never once paid attention in class.  At least not for more than a couple minutes.  In spite of this I’ve always excelled at my “studies.”  This is because I like to read.  I was always more than happy to take all my text books home and study them thoroughly.  In class, however, my mind does not stay focused.   I will admit there have been some rare occasions, particularly in college, where an instructor has been interesting enough to capture my attention for a minute or two, but in my seventh grade geography class this definitely did not happen.  During that 45 minutes, which took place every Monday through Friday right before lunch time, my mind was everywhere but on the subject matter at hand.  I checked out girls.  I stared out the window.  I thought about last night’s episode of Knight Rider.  I fantasized about being a character in Star Wars.   (I still do that.)  Meanwhile Mr. Redding droned on and on about American Geography.  It was primarily stuff I already knew because I, unlike many of my peers, had usually already done the required reading.

One day sticks out in my memory very clearly.  It was a typically boring day.  Mr. Redding was going on and on about the average annual rainfall in Maine, or dust clouds in Oklahoma, or perhaps the air speed velocity of the unladen sparrow, I don’t know.   In any event I became far more engrossed in the goings on between two girls: one sitting directly in front of me, the other sitting across the aisle to her right.  The one in front of me was discreetly passing something across the aisle to the other one!  (OOOoooooooOOOOO!)

16074083-students-passing-notes-in-class

Was it a note?  I couldn’t tell.  It could have been lipstick.  It could have been a sandwich.  It could have been the latest DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince cassette.  (It was the 80’s.)  Whatever it was that was being passed was of much greater interest to me than whatever it was the teacher was talking about at that particular moment, and I became engrossed in the proceedings with much intrigue.  The girl to the right suddenly became aware of the fact that something was being handed to her and started reaching across the aisle.  (The plot thickened.)  I imagined two spacecraft gliding across the silent vacuum of space to meet for docking.   It was exciting!  And then it happened.  The girl in front released her grip just a little too soon, and the classroom instantly exploded into a veritable cacophony of extremely loud clattering noise as thousands of tiny plastic beads hit the hard tiled floor and spread out in every possible direction throughout the classroom.

friendshippins

They were tiny. They were plastic. They were all the rage in the 80’s.

There was a deathly silence over the whole room for a slip second, and then the young girl sitting in front of me, (the passer of the beads) cried out, in a shrill voice:  “Oh ma Gaaaaaaaw!  All ma Beeeeeeeeads!”  And at that point the entire class burst into the most uncontrollable laughter I have ever experienced in person.  All except three people:  The Bead Passer, who was running about the classroom, frantically trying to gather up all her lost beads, the Bead Recipient, who was sitting at her desk, eyes wide with her hand clasped firmly over her mouth, and Mr. Redding, who was still standing at the front of the class; his bald head literally glowing a bright crimson.  I swear there was smoke coming out of his ears, and a blood vein right at the top of his shiny bald head was pulsating threateningly.

The laughter went on for a few minutes.  Eventually it died down and the Bead Passer had regained her seat, albeit minus several hundred friendship beads, to be sure.  (To this day, from what I understand, people are still finding them from time to time.)  When quiet finally resumed, Mr. Redding surprised everyone by simply returning to his monotonous lecturing, as if the incident had never taken place!

Now is a good time to point out that my brain has always had this annoying habit of returning to my funniest memories at the least opportune times. (Classroom lectures, dates with girls to see Shindler’s List, funerals you name it, I will think of something funny.)  Mr. Redding’s class was no exception.  Only five minutes passed and I was reliving the moment when the poor unfortunate girl who sat in front of me cried out:  “Oh ma Gaaaaaaaw!  All ma Beeeeeeeeads!”  I chuckled.  Immediately the whole classroom, now with the sole exception of Mr. Redding, burst right back into uproarious laughter once again.  He was even less amused this time.  In fact it is safe to say he was getting downright angry.  I wasn’t sure if he had pinpointed me as the instigator of the renewal of laughter, but I feared the worst.  I feared I might soon be on my way to the dreaded “Office.”

DqqmbbQEGneUllB3JWZA_Don_King

just in case you forgot what my junior high principal looked like

Eventually things got under control again.  Mr. Redding went about his lecture, clearly more than a little irritated at this point.  I once again retreated into my rather over active imagination.  I tried really hard not to think of anything that was even the slightest bit amusing.  I found myself revisiting my favorite moment in cinema history.   The greatest moment of the greatest film of all time.

Luke_I_Am_Your_Father

just in case you’ve never seen the greatest movie ever made

Luke Skywalker is clinging desperately to some sort of pole in some sort of seemingly bottomless air shaft.  His hand is gone.  His lightsaber is gone.  All hope seems lost.  Darth Vader clenches his black gloved fist and shakes it.

“Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.”

“He told me enough!  He told me you killed him!”

“No.  I…am your father!”

Luke opens his mouth to scream: “Oh ma Gaaaaaaaw!  All ma Beeeeeeeeads!”

All it took was a small snort of laughter from yours truly, and the entire classroom was violently disrupted once again.  People were laughing hysterically.  People were rolling in the aisles.  They were pouring tears down their pimply early teenage faces.

All of course, once again, for Mr. Redding, who was staring directly at me.  He knew who had started it this time.  I was, in a word: fucked.  I was going to be sent to “The Office.”

DqqmbbQEGneUllB3JWZA_Don_King

just because it’s funny as hell to put the same picture of Don King in one blog post three times.

He was pointing at me, just like Donald Sutherland at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  (The 1978 version. Also the best version in My Opinion, which, by the way, is always correct, (notice I capitalized it) so if you’ve never seen it, remedy the situation immediately.)

6007605393_cb36f06e3c_z

And then the bell rang.  I got the hell out of there as quickly as possible.  Luckily, Mr. Redding, in addition to having no sense of humor, apparently also had a very bad memory, as the incident was never brought up again.

The End.

7 Responses to “Friendship Beads”

  1. whinybaby June 9, 2013 at 5:52 am #

    Oh ma Gaaaaaaaw, that was incredible.

  2. xacrest June 26, 2013 at 1:49 pm #

    So glad I read this! Besides the LOL points, I also feel a lot better when I come across another inappropriate laugher 😉

    • domingosaurus June 27, 2013 at 12:46 am #

      Inappropriate laughter has provided me with so many awkward and uncomfortable moments in my life, that it’s barely been worth it.

      • xacrest June 27, 2013 at 1:18 pm #

        Probably accurate; at least with LOTS of hindsight (miles), it’s possible to appropriately giggle at some of those situations.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Gimme All Your Lovin… (All Your Hugs And Kisses Too) | Not Necessarily About Dinosaurs or Anything Else - August 16, 2015

    […] Other than that Mr. Redding was completely humorless and no fun at all.  I wrote another blog about him already. You can read it here. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

AlyZen Moonshadow

The words and works of AlyZen Moonshadow, digital mixed media photography artist, designer, musician, poet, philosopher, mother, muse, Goddess!

Are You Finished Yet?

I like to write about stuff. I usually try to be funny. Take it or leave it.

Michael's Origins

Sherlock unlocking the past

anewperspectiveperhaps

This site is about everything from my philosophy on life to the little things that make me laugh. IIt is about living, and breathing, and pausing long enough to take it all in. I hope it makes you laugh, sometimes makes you cry, but always makes you want to come back for another visit. It is your words, and your likes that inspire me to keep writing. And it is through my writing that you have a very large window to my soul. Relax awhile, read, and enjoy!

Be Free 2 Love

Soaring through Life, Love, & Happiness: One story at time.

PotatoPen

That's right! I write!

Forty, c'est Fantastique !

La vie est belle !

Mr Tookles

tee hee

The Dependent Independent

TV, movies, books…rants… just trying to put skills to use.

Fictional Kevin

Cigar Fueled Creative Writing

Tubularsock

". . . first hand coverage, second hand news"

Elizabeth Conrad

True stories from a recovering asshole.

jenny's lark

the beauty of an ordinary life

Skinny and Single

Single and Over 40 and Not Suicidal About It

BunKaryudo

Lovingly Hand-Crafted Humor Blog

Life After 50

Life at any age can be amazing! We only need to grab hold & experience it!

Lessons from my daughter

Although all doctors agreed she would do nothing.....

lindaseccaspina

remembers the invention of the wheel

Fiction Favorites

with John W. Howell

Ram On

Soon, Right Away, Right Away

Retro Girl & the Chemo Kid

Superpower: love. Adventures through childhood cancer, grief, healing and happiness.

What Rhymes with Stanza?

Words at rest, words at play

Life and Random Thinking

A old dog CAN blog

Just Fred in Wyo

Just a guy living life in Wyoming. These are my personal words and photos.

Live Laugh RV

Our next Chapter

NestOfSquirrels

Acorns. And scurrying.

The Falling Thoughts

Poems, Poetry Plus Passion

heretherebespiders

blowing through the cobwebs of my mind

Mental Defecation

My mind poops here

AlyZen Moonshadow

The words and works of AlyZen Moonshadow, digital mixed media photography artist, designer, musician, poet, philosopher, mother, muse, Goddess!

Are You Finished Yet?

I like to write about stuff. I usually try to be funny. Take it or leave it.

Michael's Origins

Sherlock unlocking the past

anewperspectiveperhaps

This site is about everything from my philosophy on life to the little things that make me laugh. IIt is about living, and breathing, and pausing long enough to take it all in. I hope it makes you laugh, sometimes makes you cry, but always makes you want to come back for another visit. It is your words, and your likes that inspire me to keep writing. And it is through my writing that you have a very large window to my soul. Relax awhile, read, and enjoy!

Be Free 2 Love

Soaring through Life, Love, & Happiness: One story at time.

PotatoPen

That's right! I write!

Forty, c'est Fantastique !

La vie est belle !

Mr Tookles

tee hee

The Dependent Independent

TV, movies, books…rants… just trying to put skills to use.

Fictional Kevin

Cigar Fueled Creative Writing

Tubularsock

". . . first hand coverage, second hand news"

Elizabeth Conrad

True stories from a recovering asshole.

jenny's lark

the beauty of an ordinary life

Skinny and Single

Single and Over 40 and Not Suicidal About It

BunKaryudo

Lovingly Hand-Crafted Humor Blog

Life After 50

Life at any age can be amazing! We only need to grab hold & experience it!

Lessons from my daughter

Although all doctors agreed she would do nothing.....

lindaseccaspina

remembers the invention of the wheel

Fiction Favorites

with John W. Howell

Ram On

Soon, Right Away, Right Away

Retro Girl & the Chemo Kid

Superpower: love. Adventures through childhood cancer, grief, healing and happiness.

What Rhymes with Stanza?

Words at rest, words at play

Life and Random Thinking

A old dog CAN blog

Just Fred in Wyo

Just a guy living life in Wyoming. These are my personal words and photos.

Live Laugh RV

Our next Chapter

NestOfSquirrels

Acorns. And scurrying.

The Falling Thoughts

Poems, Poetry Plus Passion

heretherebespiders

blowing through the cobwebs of my mind

Mental Defecation

My mind poops here

%d bloggers like this: