The Most Embarrassing Drinking Story Of All Time: Starring ME! (as Me)

8 Apr

Some time ago I posted a blog about my 3rd or 4th most embarrassing drinking story.   Here’s a link to it, in case you missed it:  https://domingosaurusrex.wordpress.com/2013/05/29/when-i-was-21-i-drank-some-very-good-beer/     I know I promised a few others, but all pale in comparison to this: THE most embarrassing thing that I have EVER done while drunk.  (That I remember anyway.)

The sordid tale which I am about to relate took place in March, 2002.  I was living in a tiny village called Jackson.  (No, not the one in Mississippi.  Believe it or not there’s one in Michigan too!)  To give anyone unfamiliar with the place an idea of what life there is like, a typical Jackson newspaper headline may have read:  “COW WANDERS OFF FARM AND INTO DOWNTOWN DISTRICT!  MASSIVE PANIC ENSUES!”  (Back in the days when they actually had a newspaper that is.)

Cow_female_black_white

This happened to be the era of my life that I frequently refer to as:  “The Semester of Five Moves.”  I refer to it in this manner because, for a wide variety of reasons,  I found myself changing residences five times during one semester of college.  (No easy task, I might add, since I have a lot of stuff.)

All this is immaterial.  In any event I was hanging out at home alone one night, and decided, for whatever reason, that I would walk downtown and visit a local bar.  The bar was called Bella Note (Just like that song in “Lady and the Tramp”)

lady

The bartender there, at the time, was a friend of mine who I will refer to, throughout the course of this story as “Joe.”   Joe couldn’t necessarily hook me up with free drinks, but there was a pretty good chance my bar tab would end up being just a little less than normal, or maybe my drinks would be a bit stronger than they were supposed to be.  That and the fact that, unlike every other bar in town, there would not be televisions everywhere exhibiting whatever the current seasonal sporting event was made Bella Note well worth the 30 minutes or so it would take to walk there.

So I stroll in and there’s Joe behind the bar.  He says something like “Hey man!  What’s going on?”  The place is pretty quiet but pretty soon I notice a familiar face .  At the time, in addition to my full time job, I had been moonlighting a few days a week at a little hole in the wall video store (the best kind) and this lady happened to be one of my regular customers.  She was an older lady, and by older I mean roughly twice my own age (no this isn’t a story about a trip to “Cougar Town.”)   She was, however, really into movies and had taken many of my suggestions which had lead to further recommendations and follow up discussions.  She was, unlike most of the customers I had to deal with, not really all that annoying.  (I could even go so far as to call her “cool.”) Sitting next to her, at the bar, was  a very attractive girl who seemed to be about my age.  (In fact she was almost exactly my age.)  Video store lady waved me over.  I sat next to them.  It turned out the girl was her daughter!  The three of us began to talk about movies.  As it happened her daughter was also a big movie buff and so I fell quite comfortably into conversation with the two of them.  (Movies, Music and History are three subjects I can go on at length about, for hours, with no hesitation, to anyone, with little or no shyness once I get going.)

The drinking continued.  Mother excuses herself and leaves.  I continue talking to Daughter.  Things are going VERY smoothly.  I find myself not having to put much effort into this situation, which is ideal for me.  She seemed quite interested in everything I had to say and I was quite interested in everything she had to say.  I couldn’t believe my luck!  An hour or so earlier I was sitting on my couch watching television, and had very nearly continued to do so, like I have done nearly every evening of my adult life.

It was clear she liked me, and I liked her, and yet for reasons not entirely within the realm, of my comprehension, I found it necessary to continue consuming liquid courage at an alarming rate. My theory is, in such a situation, I don’t really know what to do with my hands, so I just keep using them to shovel booze down my throat.  Since I was at the bar and my good friend Joe was taking care of me, I didn’t even have to stop and refill my own glasses.

download

This goes on for some time.  An hour or so passes.  Enter a guy I’ve known for some years.  We will call him “Bob.”  It turned out he was in the acquaintance of my new friend, as he was, in fact dating her younger sister!  This circumstance made the whole situation even easier!  (Or should have.)  The three of us hung out for some time, then decided we would all go back to her place for additional drinking, giving her sister (AKA: Bob’s girlfriend) a call to come join us, which she did.  In all ways this should have been the ideal situation for me.  I suggested, of course, White Russians, and on the way to her apartment we stopped somewhere for the supplies with which to make them, (which I promised to do with consummate skill.)

So it was that the four of us ended up at her apartment, which was a really cool place just west of downtown, near the local high school.  It was a really fashionable apartment complex, with high ceilings, hard wood floors, and the ever present aroma of layers and layers of lead based paint.  (MMmmmm…Memories!!!)  I began pouring everyone White Russians.  Fate had given me a Royal Flush, so it seemed.  I had set out on foot for what I expected to be a typical “Sit at the bar and sip drinks by myself” type of night, and had ended up, instead, on an impromptu double date!

We all partied late into the night, having a great time.  At one point I finally realized that Bob and his girlfriend had disappeared somewhere into the back of the apartment, which seemed to have a multitude of labyrinthine corridors and mysterious doors.  And there I sat.  Sitting alone on the couch with this cute girl who I had met at the bar only a few hours earlier!  We were sitting  close enough that our thighs were pressing together.  I suddenly had my arm around her.  Her head was suddenly on my shoulder!  We were no longer talking and the silence wasn’t awkward at all.  We kissed!  This was the sort of thing that happened in movies, books, or to other people:  not me!   (WARNING:  This is the part where the story starts to get a little sordid, so if you’re one of those “Puritan Types”, best stop reading right now.)

 

“Let’s go in my room,” she whispered into my ear, and took my hand, pulling me up off the couch.   (I was actually going to get laid!!!)  She led me down a long narrow hallway and into her bedroom.  I couldn’t believe it!  I couldn’t get over how awesome and lucky it was that I had decided, for once, to actually go out!  She started to sit down on the edge of her bed, now holding both my hands.

And that was the precise moment when I began to projectile vomit.  Now, at one time, long ago, whenever anybody used the phrase “projectile vomit” it would conjure an image, for me at least, of a certain moment in cinematic history which never fails to bring tears of laughter, and always (ALWAYS) resulted in me uttering the famous line “And Lardass just stood back and watched what he had created: A Complete, and total: BARFORAMA!!!”  (Usually resulting in a laugh.)

barforama

Not these days.  Alas, the memory of this moment, as drunk as I was, is quite vivid and brings nothing more than tears of sadness, even over a decade later.  Something like 6 hours of hard drinking had exploded out of my stomach all at once, at the most inopportune moment imaginable.  It does seem like I at least managed to turn my head, or at least that’s what I’ve told myself all these sad lonely years.  I vaguely remember trying to clean the mess up, with little or no success.  I vaguely remember awkward apologies and a long, slow, depressing walk back to my own house (alone of course.)  My memory of the awkward phone call the next day is somewhat more clear.  Even more clear was her lack of desire to ever have anything to do with me again.  (I don’t blame her one bit.)

The end.

 

2 Responses to “The Most Embarrassing Drinking Story Of All Time: Starring ME! (as Me)”

  1. Ben Payne June 28, 2015 at 3:53 pm #

    Dom, That truly tops the two I remember most… And had me in tears of laughter!

    • domingosaurus June 28, 2015 at 7:39 pm #

      Glad you liked it Ben! And as far as the other two incidents I’m assuming you must be referring to “The Time I Puked At Matt Heerspink’s House,” and “The Time I Puked After Having Way Too Many Drinks At Aubree’s in Ypsilanti.” As I recall, you helped get my sorry ass home on both occasions! 🙂

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AlyZen Moonshadow

The words and works of AlyZen Moonshadow, digital mixed media photography artist, designer, musician, poet, philosopher, mother, muse, Goddess!

Are You Finished Yet?

I like to write about stuff. I usually try to be funny. Take it or leave it.

Michael Rios

Sherlock unlocking the past

anewperspectiveperhaps

This site is about everything from my philosophy on life to the little things that make me laugh. IIt is about living, and breathing, and pausing long enough to take it all in. I hope it makes you laugh, sometimes makes you cry, but always makes you want to come back for another visit. It is your words, and your likes that inspire me to keep writing. And it is through my writing that you have a very large window to my soul. Relax awhile, read, and enjoy!

Be Free 2 Love

Soaring through Life, Love, & Happiness: One story at time.

PotatoPen

That's right! I write!

Forty, c'est Fantastique !

La vie est belle !

Mr Tookles

tee hee

The Dependent Independent

TV, movies, books…rants… just trying to put skills to use.

Fictional Kevin

Cigar Fueled Creative Writing

Tubularsock

". . . first hand coverage, second hand news"

Elizabeth Conrad

True stories from a recovering asshole.

jenny's lark

the beauty of an ordinary life

Skinny and Single

Single and Over 40 and Not Suicidal About It

BunKaryudo

Lovingly Hand-Crafted Humor Blog

Life After 50

Life at any age can be amazing! We only need to grab hold & experience it!

Lessons from my daughter

Although all doctors agreed she would do nothing.....

lindaseccaspina

remembers the invention of the wheel

Fiction Favorites

with John W. Howell

Retro Girl & the Chemo Kid

Superpower: love. Adventures through childhood cancer, grief, healing and happiness.

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Fred in Wyo

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The Falling Thoughts

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emmakwall (explains it all)

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