I Was A Really Weird Kid.

27 Oct

There are many noteworthy things about the person I was as a child that I cannot, in any way, adequately explain.  First and foremost was my love for something called Nilla Wafers.  When I was a kid, these fucking things were the nectar of the gods.  I seriously loved the shit out of Nilla Wafers.  I don’t know why.  They taste like cardboard.  Totally disgusting.  These days,… though I must freely admit I would probably eat them if I was, for some reason starving to death and that was all I had to eat, I can definitely say I wouldn’t enjoy it.

Vanilla-wafers

The next thing I can think of is naturally another food discrepancy:  Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches.  I loved them when I was a kid, and I love them as an adult.  However, at one time, before the age of ten years old or so, I had not yet developed the discerning and sophisticated palate I bear today.  In those days of lost innocence, a sandwich of the peanut butter and jelly variety could include such wide spread ingredients as white bread or wheat bread, jelly or jam, crunchy peanut butter or smooth peanut butter, and sometimes (not often but sometimes) a fruit spread other than purple grape could be substituted.Then one day that all changed.  One afternoon I came strolling into my home after a hard day of third grade studies, (I believe it was on a Tuesday) and prepared to make my usual after school peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  The only bread to be had in the house on that day was a loaf of something called “Hillbilly Bread.”  (My grandparents loved it.)

pbandjgross

Incorrect.

I didn’t care.  I was hungry, and I wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  (motherfuckers.) I constructed the alleged sandwich, took a couple bites, had a gag reflex and tossed the rest of the sandwich directly into the trash.  (An action my grandparents later referred to as “wasteful.”  To be fair: they had grown up during something called “The Depression.”)

In any event, ever since that very day many decades ago I will happily scarf down a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as long as it satisfies a strict regimen of criteria.  The sandwich must be prepared on white bread (preferably Holsum) using crunchy peanut butter (preferably JIF)  and grape jelly.  (Not to be confused with jam)  The name brand of said jelly can be Smucker’s or Welch’s.  (Either one is of equal acceptability.)

pbj-070108-lg

I saw an article once that bore a headline indicating this sort of sandwich is racist. If so pin a swastika on me.

So, I guess…in a way, that’s a situation in which I’m actually weirder now than I was when I was a kid.

 So never mind that story.  Forget I wrote it.

keep_calm_by_focusing_on_digression_poster-r4fc0aaba91cf4a84ba069013de0bb8d8_wvo_8byvr_324

Then there was the inexplicable belief I held for some years that, once a year, this Santa Clause guy came down our chimney to deliver personalized presents.  (We didn’t even have a chimney.)  I was, by no means, a dumb kid.  I had some awareness, even at a very young age, that there were A…LOT of fucking people in the world, how could anyone visit them all in one night?    I presented this concern to my mom once, and she dispelled it with some ancient mom-wisdom.

 “He has a magic device that freezes time wherever he is.”

Mom says he has a magic device that freezes time.  That works for me. Yet, there was still an issue.

“But Mom,  we don’t have a chimney!”

“Oh that’s just how he used to get around in the old days, when everybody had chimneys.  Nowadays he transports, like on Star Trek, but he’s the only person in the world who can do that.”

Aha!  My young inquiring mind now satisfied, I continued believing in this bizarre tableau until some time later when I received a particularly awesome gift, or series of gifts I should say, in the form of an entire scene from the movie Star Wars, laid out under the tree using Star Wars action figures and spaceships, most notable of which was  the coveted Millennium Falcon itself!  (insert gasps of awe and wonderment)

header

Merry Christmas to ME…bitches.

Alas, the very next morning my eagle eye spotted the box for the aforementioned ship sitting out by the side of the road for trash pick up, with all the boxes from the other toys stuffed into it.  Somehow, in spite of all the other gaping holes in logic that had been going on all along,  it was this contradiction that put me off the Santa myth.  I somehow knew (just knew) that an omnipotent, mythical being such as Santa Clause would know better than to throw out the boxes to perfectly good collectibles.  Another childhood fantasy destroyed by reason.  (sigh)

How-the-Grinch-Stole-Christmas-christmas-movies-17364455-1067-800

But here’s the absolute weirdest thing.  The thing you’ve all been waiting for.  The reason you read through all this drivel.  Here it is.  Are you ready?  I was thoroughly convinced, throughout most of my youth, that James Spader and Judge Reinhold were..the same…person.

9c0e338af9332b8a7c6bb890e354ab1a

Judge Reinhold

download (1)

James Spader

The fact that there were two different names didn’t phase me.  Both names start with a J.  Both names have three syllables with the emphasis on the middle syllable.  Judge Reinhold.  James Spay-der.  See what I mean?  It’s easy to get them mixed up!  The names are even interchangeable.  Judge Spader.  James Reinhold.  See?  Doesn’t matter!  I even have a theory that I may have thought “Judge Reinhold” was a previous role the actor James Spader had been well known for, but I’d somehow missed.  (Like when people refer to Clint Eastwood as “Dirty Harry.”)

Images such as these would have looked perfectly normal to me at that time:

Publication1

James Reinhold in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

spaderpirate

Judge Spader in Pretty in Pink.

For the record, I am now aware of the fact that they are two, completely different people.  I can’t remember when I pieced it together, but I’m sure it must have been devastating to me at the time.

That’s pretty much it.  Other than the peculiarities referred to throughout the preceding post, I am pretty much exactly the same person I was when I was five years old.  (Except I can legally buy beer now.  And vote.  I try to do both things at the same time as often as possible.)

2 Responses to “I Was A Really Weird Kid.”

  1. Polysyllabic Profundities November 13, 2014 at 12:50 am #

    I relate to many things in this post….especially the Nilla Wafers….should I be afraid?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

AlyZen Moonshadow

The words and works of AlyZen Moonshadow, digital mixed media photography artist, designer, musician, poet, philosopher, mother, muse, Goddess!

Are You Finished Yet?

I like to write about stuff. I usually try to be funny. Take it or leave it.

Michael's Origins

Sherlock unlocking the past

anewperspectiveperhaps

This site is about everything from my philosophy on life to the little things that make me laugh. IIt is about living, and breathing, and pausing long enough to take it all in. I hope it makes you laugh, sometimes makes you cry, but always makes you want to come back for another visit. It is your words, and your likes that inspire me to keep writing. And it is through my writing that you have a very large window to my soul. Relax awhile, read, and enjoy!

Be Free 2 Love

Soaring through Life, Love, & Happiness: One story at time.

PotatoPen

That's right! I write!

Forty, c'est Fantastique !

La vie est belle !

Mr Tookles

tee hee

The Dependent Independent

TV, movies, books…rants… just trying to put skills to use.

Fictional Kevin

Cigar Fueled Creative Writing

Tubularsock

". . . first hand coverage, second hand news"

Elizabeth Conrad

True stories from a recovering asshole.

jenny's lark

the beauty of an ordinary life

Skinny and Single

Single and Over 40 and Not Suicidal About It

BunKaryudo

Lovingly Hand-Crafted Humor Blog

Life After 50

Life at any age can be amazing! We only need to grab hold & experience it!

Lessons from my daughter

Although all doctors agreed she would do nothing.....

lindaseccaspina

remembers the invention of the wheel

Fiction Favorites

with John W. Howell

Ram On

Soon, Right Away, Right Away

Retro Girl & the Chemo Kid

Superpower: love. Adventures through childhood cancer, grief, healing and happiness.

What Rhymes with Stanza?

Words at rest, words at play

Life and Random Thinking

A old dog CAN blog

Just Fred in Wyo

Just a guy living life in Wyoming. These are my personal words and photos.

Live Laugh RV

Our next Chapter

NestOfSquirrels

Acorns. And scurrying.

The Falling Thoughts

Poems, Poetry Plus Passion

heretherebespiders

blowing through the cobwebs of my mind

Mental Defecation

My mind poops here

AlyZen Moonshadow

The words and works of AlyZen Moonshadow, digital mixed media photography artist, designer, musician, poet, philosopher, mother, muse, Goddess!

Are You Finished Yet?

I like to write about stuff. I usually try to be funny. Take it or leave it.

Michael's Origins

Sherlock unlocking the past

anewperspectiveperhaps

This site is about everything from my philosophy on life to the little things that make me laugh. IIt is about living, and breathing, and pausing long enough to take it all in. I hope it makes you laugh, sometimes makes you cry, but always makes you want to come back for another visit. It is your words, and your likes that inspire me to keep writing. And it is through my writing that you have a very large window to my soul. Relax awhile, read, and enjoy!

Be Free 2 Love

Soaring through Life, Love, & Happiness: One story at time.

PotatoPen

That's right! I write!

Forty, c'est Fantastique !

La vie est belle !

Mr Tookles

tee hee

The Dependent Independent

TV, movies, books…rants… just trying to put skills to use.

Fictional Kevin

Cigar Fueled Creative Writing

Tubularsock

". . . first hand coverage, second hand news"

Elizabeth Conrad

True stories from a recovering asshole.

jenny's lark

the beauty of an ordinary life

Skinny and Single

Single and Over 40 and Not Suicidal About It

BunKaryudo

Lovingly Hand-Crafted Humor Blog

Life After 50

Life at any age can be amazing! We only need to grab hold & experience it!

Lessons from my daughter

Although all doctors agreed she would do nothing.....

lindaseccaspina

remembers the invention of the wheel

Fiction Favorites

with John W. Howell

Ram On

Soon, Right Away, Right Away

Retro Girl & the Chemo Kid

Superpower: love. Adventures through childhood cancer, grief, healing and happiness.

What Rhymes with Stanza?

Words at rest, words at play

Life and Random Thinking

A old dog CAN blog

Just Fred in Wyo

Just a guy living life in Wyoming. These are my personal words and photos.

Live Laugh RV

Our next Chapter

NestOfSquirrels

Acorns. And scurrying.

The Falling Thoughts

Poems, Poetry Plus Passion

heretherebespiders

blowing through the cobwebs of my mind

Mental Defecation

My mind poops here

%d bloggers like this: