The “I Don’t Give A Rat’s Ass About Sports But Here’s a Blog About Sports Anyway” Blog.

11 Aug

I frequently make time in my day to ridicule sporting events and the people who like sporting events, which I do realize encompasses pretty much every other person on the face of the planet but me.

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What every single sports commentary program sounds like to me.

This is not to say that if I’m in a room with a television on, and that television is presenting a sporting event of some kind, I won’t sit and watch it.  This is because if there is a television on within eyesight of me, I must watch it.  I may even take a mild interest in whichever activity is being presented, though I won’t really understand it, nor care at all which of the two teams participating in said activity emerges with enough arbitrary point value to be declared “the winning team.”

That being said there are a couple of so called “Sporting Events” that I find so mind numbingly pointless and boring that my eyes will actually be repelled from the screen, and I will honestly look at anything rather than be subjected to the monotony taking place therein.  Those are, in this order:  Soccer (which I call “Wow! People running around on a field!”)  Basketball (which I call “Wow!  People running back and forth!”)  and NASCAR  (which I call “Wow!  People driving around in circles!”)    If I’m in, say a bar, and there are giant high def televisions everywhere within my line of sight being squandered on such idiotic events, and I have nothing else to distract me, I may quickly settle my tab and get the hell out of there.  (So I suppose, in a way, I may have those sports to thank for the fact that I’ve yet to become “The Town Drunk,”  though I do have high hopes for achieving that title one day.)

barney-gumble-pic

               My Role Model

(I also have similar sarcastic names for pretty much every other sport, but maybe I’ll save those for a later blog.)

Another thing I’ve never cared much about, in regards to these so called “Sporting Events” is something called the “Super Bowl,” or as I like to call it The Stupid Bowl.  (Another name I have for it is 3 hours of the funniest commercials you’ve ever seen, interrupted by brief interludes of people in helmets running into each other over and over again.) In spite of this I’ve had some fun with the Super Bowl on two separate occasions, and both times happened to be while I was working behind the counter in party stores on so called “Super Bowl Sundays.”

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An image of the sports field during a recent “Super Bowl.”

The first time was at a place called Craig’s Corner in Jackson Michigan.  I knew, from experience, that many of our regulars apparently didn’t have televisions of their own, and would be in the store loitering all day watching ours if we allowed it, so I produced a large piece of cardboard the size of our television screen, cut a 2 inch square hole out of the center of it, placed the cardboard over the screen, actually turned the game on, and wrote, on the cardboard:  “Stay awhile and watch the Super Bowl!  On STUNNING TWO INCH SCREEN!!!!”  (Yes.  I really did this.) This really pissed more than a few people off, and made for perhaps my most enjoyable night ever at Craig’s Corner.  (I kind of didn’t want it to end.)

chris-farley

The next time was more recent, and far more hilarious, though in all honesty it was mostly unintentional.  I was working at a place called The Keg in Ypsilanti, Michigan, once again, on Super Bowl Sunday.  I was sort of dreading work that day, because my buddy Ryan, who was working with me that night, and was usually a great deal of fun to party work with, was in fact a hockey fan, so I knew he was probably going to want to watch The Super Bowl, meaning I would have to watch The Super Bowl.  (Because what the hell else would you do at work except watch television?)

Much to my surprise, Ryan, for whatever reason, simply HATED both of the sports teams that were engaging in the Super Bowl that year, and honest to god had no interest in watching it, simply for that very reason.  (I think it was the Yankees vs. The Lakers, if memory serves.)  To make it even better, we found a Star Wars marathon was being aired on some other channel, and that was what we had on at work all day!!!

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If you only knew the power…of not liking sports!

We were about halfway through Empire Strikes Back when it happened.  Ryan was sitting behind the Lotto counter studying, which meant I was handling the few customers who were coming up to the register.  (One admitted perk about so called “Big Games” is; during the time in which they are taking place, there aren’t nearly as many customers coming in to interfere with one’s television enjoyment.)  An elderly man comes in, wearing a Lions jacket.  (The Lions are the football team of my home state, and have been at least as long as I’ve been aware of them arguably the worst such team in the history of sports.  They are, I’m pretty sure, the only football team to ever lose every single game in a whole season, which also has the sad distinction of being a “sports fact” even I know about!)

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So this guy goes to the back of the store, grabs a couple cold 40 ouncers of King Cobra (a popular malt liquor beverage) walks back up and plops them on the counter.

“Oh man, you ain’t watching The Game!?!?!”   He says, with shock and indignation, as had many customers before him.

Here is my response, and I said it DEAD pan serious:

Are the Lions in it this year?”

At which point the guy, I swear to (insert your choice of omnipotent deity) starts CRYING.

“Man FUCK you!  FUCK this place!  I ain’t NEVER coming back in here again!  I walk in here to spend my money and get no fucking respect….(voice trailing off into nothingness as he marches out through the parking lot, still complaining the whole way.  His two 40’s of King Cobra have been left behind on the counter, sad and rejected.

I did not expect that reaction.  I had only meant it to be a friendly bit of ribbing.  I’d never known a Lions fan to not have a sense of humor about their team.  (From what I can gather, one kind of has to have a sense of humor in order to follow the Lions.)

I look over at my co-worker, who is staring back at me, wide eyed with shock.

“You have no idea who that was do you?”  he asks slowly.

“No.  Should I?”

Ryan then rattled off some name I didn’t recognize, though he quickly filled me in.  It turned out the poor guy was, in fact, a former Lion!   He’d been a great college football player who, like so many before and after him, had been drafted* into the Lions, thus ruining his professional football career, and turning him into a sad failure of a man whose legacy was to drown his sorrows in 40’s of cheap beer every night and get unwittingly insulted in party stores.

*Did you know you can apparently get drafted into sports teams!?! I lie awake all night sometimes, paralyzed with fear that I might get called up and informed I’ve been drafted into some Godforsaken sports team or another. What kind of a nightmare would that be?

In my defense I actually really felt bad about it, as soon as I got done laughing.

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AlyZen Moonshadow

The words and works of AlyZen Moonshadow, digital mixed media photography artist, designer, musician, poet, philosopher, mother, muse, Goddess!

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AlyZen Moonshadow

The words and works of AlyZen Moonshadow, digital mixed media photography artist, designer, musician, poet, philosopher, mother, muse, Goddess!

Are You Finished Yet?

I like to write about stuff. I usually try to be funny. Take it or leave it.

Michael Rios

Sherlock unlocking the past

anewperspectiveperhaps

This site is about everything from my philosophy on life to the little things that make me laugh. IIt is about living, and breathing, and pausing long enough to take it all in. I hope it makes you laugh, sometimes makes you cry, but always makes you want to come back for another visit. It is your words, and your likes that inspire me to keep writing. And it is through my writing that you have a very large window to my soul. Relax awhile, read, and enjoy!

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