Food Babe Is The Antichrist

24 Aug

“And when thy delicious generic orange soda begins to run clear, then shall thou know, the End of Days is Upon thee.”

-The Bible.  (Book of Flavor Flav.)

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Anyone who has been reading my blog of late has possibly come to the conclusion that I am some kind of raging alcoholic.  This is actually not true at all.

I do have one major addiction however.  I am a soda junkie.  (I’ll wait for all the gasps of horror and murmurs of judgement from my readers to subside.)

Look I know the shit’s bad for me.  I drink it anyway.  I like it.  My usual beverage of choice is Coca Cola.  (Possibly the least healthy of all.)  But again, I like it.  No.  I love it.  There is not much of anything on Earth I enjoy more than an ice cold can of fizzy syrupy sugary goodness.  I love the taste.  I love the fizziness.  I love the acidic burn as it glides down my throat.  Ohhhh…Yeeeeah…

Coca_Cola_0_33_cans_Fanta_Pepsi.jpg_350x350

My second favorite type of soda is store brand fruit sodas.

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For some reason, the more obscure and generic, the more delicious they are.  I particularly love going on out of state road trips, and purchasing store brand versions of all my favorite flavors from store chains I’ve never heard of.

There’s an Aldi just a couple minutes walk from my apartment, and they have a pretty good line of generic sodas with the very ambiguous brand name of Summit.  My favorites are grape, root beer, and orange.  (I generally don’t drink generic colas.  Probably because I love Coca Cola, and if I’m going to drink Cola, it’s going to be the Coca variety.)

So I picked up a 12 pack of Orange soda a couple days ago, which is something that I still get a little excited about whenever I decide to treat myself to it.  But as I prepared to put it in the fridge, I suddenly noticed something that froze my blood.  There was a label on the side of the box reading “Invisible Oranges!  New colorless formula!  Same Orange Taste!”  (It was a viscous pack of lies!)

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This shit ain’t right

I know what I want, and what I want is for my Orange soda to be ORANGE!!!  I want my Grape soda to be PURPLE!  I want my Root Beer soda to be BROWN!!!  I knew immediately who was behind this atrocity;  an evil entity known as “The Food Babe.”  Alternately known as Vani Hari, she is a self proclaimed “food expert” who did all her “food research” by immersing herself in such acclaimed sources as Wikipedia and Google search.  She is responsible for the brilliant saying “If you can’t pronounce the name of something: don’t eat it!”  (Her real agenda is to suck the joy out of everything good and unnatural in my world.)

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She has been largely discredited by the scientific community, yet she has still managed, mostly through the support of her giant herd of witless followers  (known as The Food Babe Army)  to have an influence on the food industry.  For instance, she already managed to ruin one of my favorite staples of childhood and adulthood alike:  Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  Remember that delicious nuclear yellow cheesy goodness?  Well keep on remembering, cause memory is all we have now. (sniff…sniff…Never…(sniff).. Forget…)

mac n cheese

Brightly colored food is fun and delicious!  It seems painfully obvious to me that food simply tastes better when it comes in bright glowing primary colors.  I don’t know about you, but I for one am not looking forward to the day when we get all our nourishment from tubes of colorless food paste.  They tried to pawn something like this off on us once before.  Remember Clear Pepsi? (That’s right you probably don’t.)

Crystal-Pepsi

Listen to me O ye of little faith.  The End of Days is nigh, and the fourth Horseman has reared it’s ugly head to glare down on us in judgement, and that fourth horseman’s name is Food Babe.

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4 Responses to “Food Babe Is The Antichrist”

  1. NotAPunkRocker August 24, 2015 at 4:58 pm #

    I was going to say “please don’t let this be a Crystal Pepsi comparison” and it was…

    Yes, I liked Crystal Pepsi. At least from what I can remember.

    I bought all the 2 liter Diet Pepsi off the shelf at Dollar General because they hadn’t changed out their stock to the “new formula” yet. That is how bad I am with it right now. Seeking my fix while I still can find it on the street…

    • domingosaurus August 24, 2015 at 7:42 pm #

      It’s ok. I’m sure there’s got to be some kind of support group out there in the world for you to join. (somewhere.) 😉

  2. BunKaryudo August 25, 2015 at 3:47 pm #

    I hadn’t heard of Food Babe until your post, but she’s obviously doing untold damage to the snack food, industrial dyestuff and nuclear waste processing industries.

    So what if our food glows in the dark? That just helps us to find it without switching the lights on, obviously proving that it must be good for us.

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AlyZen Moonshadow

The words and works of AlyZen Moonshadow, digital mixed media photography artist, designer, musician, poet, philosopher, mother, muse, Goddess!

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AlyZen Moonshadow

The words and works of AlyZen Moonshadow, digital mixed media photography artist, designer, musician, poet, philosopher, mother, muse, Goddess!

Are You Finished Yet?

I like to write about stuff. I usually try to be funny. Take it or leave it.

Michael Rios

Sherlock unlocking the past

anewperspectiveperhaps

This site is about everything from my philosophy on life to the little things that make me laugh. IIt is about living, and breathing, and pausing long enough to take it all in. I hope it makes you laugh, sometimes makes you cry, but always makes you want to come back for another visit. It is your words, and your likes that inspire me to keep writing. And it is through my writing that you have a very large window to my soul. Relax awhile, read, and enjoy!

Be Free 2 Love

Soaring through Life, Love, & Happiness: One story at time.

PotatoPen

That's right! I write!

Forty, c'est Fantastique !

La vie est belle !

Mr Tookles

tee hee

The Dependent Independent

TV, movies, books…rants… just trying to put skills to use.

Fictional Kevin

Cigar Fueled Creative Writing

Tubularsock

". . . first hand coverage, second hand news"

Elizabeth Conrad

True stories from a recovering asshole.

jenny's lark

the beauty of an ordinary life

Skinny and Single

Single and Over 40 and Not Suicidal About It

BunKaryudo

Lovingly Hand-Crafted Humor Blog

Life After 50

Life at any age can be amazing! We only need to grab hold & experience it!

Lessons from my daughter

Although all doctors agreed she would do nothing.....

lindaseccaspina

remembers the invention of the wheel

Fiction Favorites

with John W. Howell

Retro Girl & the Chemo Kid

Superpower: love. Adventures through childhood cancer, grief, healing and happiness.

What Rhymes with Stanza?

Words at rest, words at play

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A old dog CAN blog

Fred in Wyo

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Our next Chapter

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The Falling Thoughts

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heretherebespiders

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My mind poops here

emmakwall (explains it all)

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