For I Have Become Fart Denizen: Destroyer Of Worlds.

26 Dec

There are many wonderful benefits to not having any friends or family and this is never more apparent than on December 25th, or as some people call it:  “Christmas.”

How-the-Grinch-Stole-Christmas-christmas-movies-17364455-1067-800

Christmas, oddly enough, has actually become my favorite day of the year.  I don’t have to work.  I don’t have to go anywhere.  I don’t have to do anything, and most importantly I don’t have to see or talk to anyone.  It’s the one day of the year I can truly be by myself all day long.  In fact, much of the world around me becomes a sort of ghost town allowing me to pretend I am the lone survivor of some sort of Apocalypse that wiped out everyone except me and left buildings, trees and animals alone.  (That’s my favorite type of Apocalypse fantasy.)

charlton-heston-as-robert-neville-in-the

This is from a very underrated Charlton Heston movie entitled Omega Man

Not having anyone in my life to exchange gifts with, dine with or hang out with has freed me up to develop my own particular traditions on this annual day of extreme solitude. For quite some time I referred to the day simply as “Lord of the Rings Day” and would spend it watching all three extended edition Lord of the Rings movies.  (All 10 hours or so.)  I’d hunker down on the couch in my empty apartment, immerse myself in a cocoon of pillows and blankets, surround myself with food and other recreational substances, and spend the whole day in Middle Earth.

a12

As it turned out I got kind of bored with that after five years or so.

Another favorite Christmas hobby I came up with was to find a popular grocery store of some kind,  closed for the so called holiday, and just sit across the street from it all day watching one moron after another pull into the completely empty parking lot, climb out of their car and waddle up to the door of the completely dark, OBVIOUSLY closed place of business.  Sometimes they smack right into the glass like a bird hitting a window.  Sometimes they stand there and peer through the door, thinking there just has to be someone inside to let them come in and purchase whatever idiotic item they forgot to buy yesterday.  (They never seem to notice the sign posted on the door informing them the store is closed for the holiday.)  Usually, after several minutes of peering through the windows, the frustrated shopper will stomp back to their vehicle, completely aghast at the realization that they aren’t as entitled as they thought they were.  Such entertaining antics never fail to get a laugh out of me, though it also takes what little faith I may have once had in humanity down a couple more notches.

black-friday-lines

Duuuuh…Are they open?

I thought it would be fun to set up a little judging station across the street, and I could rate people based on their performance.  The slow drive-by gawkers would just get a 1 or 2, but the  ones who actually park, get out of their cars and walk up to the door would get higher ratings based on their reactions.  I suppose I could probably even create my own reality show, but the truth is I loathe reality television and everything it stands for.

IMG_0022[1]

I assure you we are NOT open.

  Then,a couple months ago, I started playing this game called Ingress.  I was dead set against it for the longest time, mostly because I was dead set against ever getting a cell phone.  For purely philosophical reasons I was determined to be the last person on Earth without a mobile communication device.  For one thing I like being off the grid.  For another, I generally think people who walk around (or drive around) texting or talking or just staring at their phones are the worst type of scum on the planet.  These are the kind of people who believe Onion articles or Fox News, can’t wait to vote for Donald Trump, and smell their fingers after they wipe their butts.  (I call people who do this “Shit n’ Sniffs.”)

cell-phome-meme-2

These half wits will no doubt be running our alleged “country” in a few more years.

 

Alas, some time ago my  employers gave me… you guessed it… a fucking cell phone, thus ruining my 40+ year streak of getting by just fine without one.

As it turns out, I really only use it for one purpose; to play a video game.  So now I myself have become that which I have always despised more than anything else:  “A Cell Phone Scum.”  This is why I selected a fitting moniker for my player profile:  “Fart Denizen.”

I must admit, however, there is something really cool about this particular game.  Unlike most video games one actually has to physically walk around to play it!  Using GPS technology the game takes place in real space, and players choose to be on either the green faction (aka: cool people) of the blue faction (aka: mindless tools) and these two factions battle to take over virtual portals located all over the world.   In some ways it works very much like an rpg, in that you have to level your player character up by performing various actions.  (Which is also why I so easily became addicted to it.)

Christmas, as it turned out, was the perfect time to go out, early in the morning (I left my apartment at 2:30 am) and take over the entire city.  Usually downtown Ann Arbor is almost all blue portals, but by noon I had it looking like this.

Ingress

I also got to add to my collection of cool pictures of downtown Ann Arbor with no annoying people in them.

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Suffice it to say, Ann Arbor would be a much cooler place to live if it looked like this all the time.

 

4 Responses to “For I Have Become Fart Denizen: Destroyer Of Worlds.”

  1. heretherebespiders December 27, 2015 at 8:47 pm #

    That Ingress sounds kind of interesting – what type of phone are you running it on? I think my hubby might like it, and get him out of the house and walking more often!

    • Anonymous December 28, 2015 at 12:36 am #

      I have an iPhone but it’s not really the best phone for but it works. I think any phone with a touch screen will pretty much work. Samsungs are supposed to be really good.

      • domingosaurus December 28, 2015 at 2:21 am #

        That was me by the way. I had to approve my own comment and then it turned up as anonymous. My day just gets weirder and weirder.

  2. shanjeniah January 3, 2016 at 6:04 am #

    My best friend and her husband play it. But I’m not much on ‘takeover’ team games. If it had a solo option, maybe…

    As a fellow purveyor of non-traditional Christmasing, and a late arrival in the cell phone arena (mine is still used more as a timer than anything else), I found this post interesting.

    And the pictures – you have an excellent eye for mood and places that seem to tell stories….

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AlyZen Moonshadow

The words and works of AlyZen Moonshadow, digital mixed media photography artist, designer, musician, poet, philosopher, mother, muse, Goddess!

Are You Finished Yet?

I like to write about stuff. I usually try to be funny. Take it or leave it.

Michael Rios

Sherlock unlocking the past

anewperspectiveperhaps

This site is about everything from my philosophy on life to the little things that make me laugh. IIt is about living, and breathing, and pausing long enough to take it all in. I hope it makes you laugh, sometimes makes you cry, but always makes you want to come back for another visit. It is your words, and your likes that inspire me to keep writing. And it is through my writing that you have a very large window to my soul. Relax awhile, read, and enjoy!

Be Free 2 Love

Soaring through Life, Love, & Happiness: One story at time.

PotatoPen

That's right! I write!

Forty, c'est Fantastique !

La vie est belle !

Mr Tookles

tee hee

The Dependent Independent

TV, movies, books…rants… just trying to put skills to use.

Fictional Kevin

Cigar Fueled Creative Writing

Tubularsock

". . . first hand coverage, second hand news"

Elizabeth Conrad

True stories from a recovering asshole.

jenny's lark

the beauty of an ordinary life

Skinny and Single

Single and Over 40 and Not Suicidal About It

BunKaryudo

Lovingly Hand-Crafted Humor Blog

Life After 50

Life at any age can be amazing! We only need to grab hold & experience it!

Lessons from my daughter

Although all doctors agreed she would do nothing.....

lindaseccaspina

remembers the invention of the wheel

Fiction Favorites

with John W. Howell

Retro Girl & the Chemo Kid

Superpower: love. Adventures through childhood cancer, grief, healing and happiness.

What Rhymes with Stanza?

Words at rest, words at play

Life and Random Thinking

A old dog CAN blog

Fred in Wyo

Just living

Live Laugh RV

Our next Chapter

NestOfSquirrels

Acorns. And scurrying.

The Falling Thoughts

Poems, Poetry Plus Passion

heretherebespiders

blowing through the cobwebs of my mind

Mental Defecation

My mind poops here

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