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To Zig or Not To Zig, That is the Question

18 Apr

This blog has been in the works, in one way or another, for a couple of years now, and I’m actually pretty excited about it now that i’m finally writing it, because the fact is it’s going to burst some bubbles.  It might even cost me a couple Facebook friends, though I admit I hope not, because said Facebook friends are people whose friendships I have come to value over the course of the last couple years but that will hopefully be explained by the end of this writing.   Also I’m once again going to delve back into the subject of memes, which I DO realize was the subject of the last full blog I wrote and published, but the truth is: MEMES. ARE. LIFE.

First, a brief timeline of my introduction to someone known as Glenn Anzalone, AKA Glenn Danzig.

Late 1980’s I discover, through friends I had made in high school, the wonders of punk rock music.  I was hooked.  I didn’t give a shit about whatever “message” was being sent.  It was fun and loud, with catchy tunes and driving rhythms.  Punk albums also, as it turned out, typically had interesting and colorful artwork on the covers.  To this day those two factors are the primary reasons I will purchase an album and listen to it.  During this formative period of my life I became very familiar with the most common of these bands, such as Ramones, The Dead Kennedys, The Clash,  Black Flag, Minor Threat, and another fairly popular one known, simply,  as The Misfits.  By the time I discovered the latter band, they had already come and gone, though their music continued to live on, as good music always does.  Here they are in person, enjoy:

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I really liked this band.  What was good about them, to me, as previously stated, lied primarily in the fact that they had catchy tunes.  Their songs consisted of fast melodic guitar hooks, driving dance inducing drum beats and to top it all off their lyrics, (the least important factor in music, in my opinion) mostly derived from another lifelong love of mine: classic horror movies.   The singer’s name was Glenn Danzig, though truth be told I was not even aware of that until much later, being far more interested in the music itself as opposed to the people who were in fact creating said music.

Later on Glenn Danzig became something of a joke among a good portion of my circle of friends.  After the Misfits he became more of a “Metal Guy,” which was not something I really listened to at the time,  (though I have since remedied that situation) and he had developed a reputation as being sort of cocky, and was quite infamous for a back stage incident in which he got dropped like a stone by a great big fat guy with a singular punch.  Most people who didn’t listen to Danzig would still be familiar with his one really big hit:  “Mother.”  (Which is not a bad song but not particularly Misfits-like, when it comes right down to it)  Here he is about to get dropped like a stone by a great big fat guy:

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So I didn’t really listen to any of his “metal music” at that time. A few decades went by.  Something called “The Internet” came along.  Through this new phenomenon I became acquainted with two things that would make my life worth living again, now that the novelty of drugs and rock n roll had long since worn off.  One was called “Blogs” which it turned out was just like writing in a journal, except you could easily get people to read it!   The other thing was called “Memes.”  Turned out there were a ton of them based on Glenn Danzig.  This is probably the first one I encountered, and I admit it made me laugh out loud the first time I saw it:

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Not long after this I joined a Facebook group called Keep On Danzig, or KOD for short.  I discovered I could get a lot of instant gratification in the form of internet attention by making my own Danzig Memes.  This was the very first one I made myself:

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With some trepidation I posted it and surprisingly got a very positive response.  The group is supposed to be very much NON political, but I guess I got away with this as it could be viewed as ambiguous (in spite of the fact that I fucking HATE Trump and everything he stands for.)   In any event I was in and for the next two years I cranked out somewhere around a hundred Danzig related memes.  This led many people to come to the conclusion that I must be some sort of Danzig UBER fan.   (Guess what I’m not really.) Facebook friends began posting every tidbit of Danzig related info on my page, including at least a dozen or so “Tiny Danzig Memes,” which was ironically the very meme that started this whole obsession in the first place!  It all came full circle when a friend posted THIS on my page:

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And the reason I say “Full Circle” is that I had, in fact, made this meme myself, sometime before that.

And yet, the truth of the matter is (and here is where my my friend’s list may start plummeting in number)  I still wasn’t really that big of a Danzig fan.   Honestly I didn’t know much about him other than the fact that he was the original singer of The Misfits and the guy that wrote and sang “Mother.”  I however, at this time,  started checking out his music, and found that I actually LIKED it!  (More than I thought I would, in fact) but to be honest if it wasn’t for memes I probably never would  have listened to it in the first place. I liked the Misfits.  That was it.  I joined KOD as something of a poser.

But through it I discovered a great deal about Danzig, and in fact ended up going to one of his concerts.  (Which was pretty groovy.)

Oh yeah and fuck Elvis.  I’m getting a little too drunk to keep writing this now so I’m going to go ahead and post it.  (Feeling pretty cute.  May edit or delete later. idk)

 

One Liner Wednesday

10 Apr

Waiting for my vacation, waiting for the days to count down like sand through the hour glass on that daytime soap opera my mom used to watch, waiting to board a big ole jet airliner so I can go see an old friend from many years gone by, waiting for Endgame, waiting, waiting, waiting.

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I’ve been off the grid for a long time as far as blogging, so I’m really happy I came across Linda Hill’s One Liner Wednesday prompt to help me get back in the swing of things and re-ignite some activity on my sadly neglected blog.

One-Liner Wednesday – Waiting

 

 

The Unbearable Dankness of Meming

10 Apr

Long ago, back in the days of yore, there was a brief period of time during which I was REALLY into “This Thing Of Ours”  (IE: blogging.)  So much so, in fact, that I embarked once upon a true summer of bliss and in August of that year did in fact succeed in providing the world with no less than one blog per day for an entire month!  A major accomplishment to be sure, but the truth is this sudden burst of uncharacteristic motivation was inspired by the desire to get laid.  And it almost worked.  Almost.

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Then I fell back into the pit of despair that is my usual day to day drudgery.  I went to work.  I went back home.  I sat in my apartment and played solitaire on my computer, listened to depressing music, consumed varying amounts of alcohol,  smoked weed when it was available, and did little else.  A year went by.  I had a girlfriend for a minute but that pretty much turned out to be a sham, which I should have known.  (In fact I did know but…I went through the motions anyway, cause why not?)

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Then my step dad died so I wrote a blog about him.  Another year went by.

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Then one of the best friends I have ever had died and I wrote a blog about her.   And another year went by.

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If it sounds like my life is completely miserable…let me just stop you right there.  Because I at least have a sense of humor.  And I find comfort in the little things.

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For instance, I like to make, and share memes.  Sometimes they make sense only to me.

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Sometimes they appeal to a much wider audience.  Our current “president” for instance… I have to admit… I’m kind of thankful for.  His stupidity is a constant source for new humorous material.  So what if the end of our planet is almost certainly being hastened by his ignorance? It’s funny, right?  After all, we’re all going to die anyway.  We might as well have a good laugh while we’re waiting.

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I wasn’t planning to live forever anyway.

This new thing of mine pretty much all started with something called “Danzig Memes.” For those of you who are uneducated in the ways of Danzig:  Glenn Danzig is a singer.  He was the front man for a great horror punk band called The Misfits, who had their hey day from the late 70’s into the early 80’s.

Danzig is known primarily for being really short and saying “WHOA” at some point in almost every one of his songs.  All of these things make excellent contributions to the art form known as Danzig Meming and there are several fan groups dedicated to this subculture of memery.  I myself have joined several of these and had a great time contributing my creations to them.  I was unfortunately kicked out of the biggest one due to a schism between members that I really had nothing to do with,  but whatever.  So it goes.

So I moved on to other subject matter.  Such as popular current television trends coupled with ancient and long deceased musicians.

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Old fashioned holiday songs people are currently offended by due to possible date-rapey connotations mixed in with blatant racial stereotypes make excellent meme fare.

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Memes featuring Dwight Schrute of The Office never fail to elicit a positive response:

And when all else fails:  The Room:

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Occasionally a new trend will start, and I always try to jump on the bandwagon, especially when such trends inexplicably remind me of someone I’d rather not be reminded of.

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Maybe tomorrow I will write an actual blog.  Probably I won’t though.  This is my life now.

And It’s Another Good Bye To Another Good Friend

26 Jan

Over a quarter of a century ago I made the acquaintance of a girl who would end up having a significant impact on my life though of course I didn’t know it at the time.  We were just kids, or teenagers I should say, and we met in passing at some crowded Jackson house party that neither of us really wanted to be at.  At the time she was dating one of my best friends from high school and when we were introduced neither of us took much note of the other.   I think something like “Hi.  It’s nice to meet you.”  was said.  I didn’t even know how to properly spell her name for a couple years.  (I spelled it Leneah,)

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It’s Linnea, not Leneah

Yet over the next couple years we found ourselves in the same cluster of people time and time again.  Socially we both inhabited the outer fringe of what I have come to call the Jackson “Alterna-Teen Crowd.”  It was the early 90’s and “not fitting in” had become cool, thanks in large part to the emergence of Nirvana and Pearl Jam as main stream bands.    Yet within that circle of misunderstood and mostly artistic misfits she and I inhabited an even smaller circle of folks who didn’t even really fit in with the people who didn’t fit in, and we were both quite content in bearing that distinction.  Frequently we found ourselves at events where mutual friends were performing in bands but the two of us would pair up and sit in some corner away from everyone else and play cards or talk about movies.  It was quickly realized we had pretty much the exact same quirky, sarcastic irreverent sense of humor.

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This album helped make the weird kids the cool kids.

Over the years we became very good friends.  As the “Alterna-Teen Crowd” got older and many of them disappeared into careers, families or in some cases prison, our friendship lingered and we became frequent movie buddies.  We went to one after another, sometimes as often as one or two a week.  I think a conservative estimate could be made that we went to at least 100 movies together over the course of the next few years, and always before or after the movie a meal was enjoyed at any one of Jackson’s many illustrious dining establishments.  Favorites of ours were Denny’s, Lucky’s Pit Stop Cafe if we were in the mood for Chinese, Denny’s, Bob Evans if we were feeling adventurous,  Denny’s,  Jaxxon Pizza Factory if we were in the mood for pizza and have I mentioned Denny’s yet?  A note about our dining experiences, yet another thing that united us was our love for Coca-Cola and utter revulsion at the thought of drinking Pepsi.  If we ever got the dreaded “Is Pepsi OK?” response from a waitress, we never went back to that particular establishment if we didn’t in fact, walk out immediately.  One night while I was working at my lonely 3rd shift gas station gig I took the initiative and called every restaurant in the entire “Greater Metro Jackson Area” (snicker) and asked them if they served Coke or Pepsi, thus creating a list of acceptable establishments for our dining experiences.

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Little Nicky was another movie we saw together, and we both laughed hysterically at this line…because we got it.  Totally.  

When we weren’t going out to the theater, we would hang out at my place and watch movies, or marathon through various television shows such as Seinfeld, Northern Exposure, or X Files.  We even tried to watch The Garbage Pail Kids Movie once, which is in my list of Top Ten Worst Movies ever made that aren’t even fun to watch.  (Trust me on this one.  No matter how morbidly curious you are.  Our time on this orb is way too short to be wasted on this sort of nonsense.)

A funny anecdote from this time period is that apparently at some point we went to see a movie called Conspiracy Theory and for some reason I just could not remember that I went with her.  This came about because I once asked her:  “Have you ever seen Conspiracy Theory?” (totally serious) and was greeted with a blank expression and a “Who do you think you went to that with?”  This probably would be an unremarkable story except for the fact that, some time later, I did it again!  (And I wasn’t kidding.  I was just thoroughly convinced I had gone to that particular movie with a different person.)  I’ve never figured out why.  I guess it may have been some sort of…conspiracy.

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We did other things too.  I took her to her first, and as far as I know only “Rock Concert.”  This was Weird Al Yankovic at Jackson Community College and was honestly one of the best concerts I have ever been to.  (And unlike her I’ve been to literally hundreds of concerts.)  We were both obsessed with Weird Al for a long time afterwards and I collected every one of his albums.

One Halloween we dressed up in costumes and drove all the way to Monroe Michigan, which is roughly 50 miles away from Jackson.  She was Raggedy Ann and I was a Jedi who roughly resembled Qui Gon Jinn.  We had convinced ourselves we wanted to go on something called a “Haunted Hay Ride.”  We drove all the way there, decided it was too cold, got food from a Wendy’s and drove all the way back, where we watched Halloween I and II.  We had embarked on a 100 mile road trip to acquire fast food.  That was the sort of thing we did.  All the time.

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Behold the terrifying Cedar Creek Mine Ride!  Reaching face melting speeds of 30 miles per hour and carrying you up to dizzying heights of FIFTY FEET!  

One year she convinced me to go to Cedar Point with her.  She thought I would be a good partner for this endeavor as I am deathly afraid of heights, and hence would share her desire to only ride the older, smaller rides.  (The Classics.)  What she may not have realized was that I had in fact never been on a roller coaster and it took two full passes through the park, copious amounts of alcohol on my part, and her finally getting frustrated enough to ask “Are we ever actually going to ride anything!?!” before I agreed to get on the mortifying CEDAR CREEK MINE RIDE!!!  Once the initial horror faded it ended up being a lot of fun.  So much so that I went with her one more time that summer, and the following year we bought season passes and went 9 times in one year.  I have tons of hilarious stories about these trips but I have already written and posted them in great detail in the following blogs.

https://domingosaurusrex.wordpress.com/2015/08/19/the-cedar-point-chronicles-part-one/

https://domingosaurusrex.wordpress.com/2015/08/20/the-cedar-point-chronicles-part-two/

https://domingosaurusrex.wordpress.com/2015/08/21/the-cedar-point-chronicles-part-3/

https://domingosaurusrex.wordpress.com/2015/08/23/the-cedar-point-chronicles-part-4/

https://domingosaurusrex.wordpress.com/2015/08/27/wanna-got-to-cedar-point-today-naaaah-lets-go-explore-grand-rapids-i-said-it-will-be-fun-i-said/

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One of only two known photographs of the two of us together.  The other is also from Cedar Point.   

Another tradition we began together was our annual “Christmas Movie Marathon.”  She would come over to my apartment early in the morning and we would prepare ridiculous amounts of food and sit around gorging ourselves and marathoning through Christmas movies and various Christmas related specials from our youth.   We did this around…you guessed it: Christmas and the event took place exactly twice.  The last time was at the tail end of the year 2000 and towards the end we got bored with Christmas movies and decided to go see Castaway, which was in the theaters at the time.  I had no idea that it would be the last time we would attend a movie together.  Soon  thereafter it was announced that she was pregnant with her first child and she was soon married and settling down to the business of creating a family.

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From left to right:  Linnea, Ginger, Wyatt, Husband Zachary and Max.  Youngest daughter Daisy was not yet born. 

So our “hanging out” days had come to a close but not so our friendship.  We stayed in  touch, and once in a great while found time for a brief lunch outing.  Then at long last I moved away from Jackson to continue my “schooling” and we saw each other even less, though from time to time we exchanged letters, usually on or around each other’s birthdays.

Then, just a few years ago, she finally jumped on the Facebook bandwagon and we were able to communicate whenever we wanted and kept each other abreast of our respective life adventures, hers in Parenthood and mine in Bachelorhood.  I was kept up to date on her transition from a ballet dancer to a teacher and then one day not so long ago she had succeeded in establishing her very own school:  Grace School of Dance.

It wasn’t too long after that when she announced she had cancer.  I did my best at the only thing I’ve ever really been good at, getting a laugh out of her as much as possible.  For a pretty impressive streak (for me) I posted a funny cat picture a day on her FB page and only one of them ended up offending her.  (I should have known better considering it came from a website entitled simply “Cats That Look Like Hitler dot Com.”)  Eventually I started having a hard time finding Funny Cat Pics that weren’t offensive so I moved on to other things, like some of our favorite Far Sides and stuff like that.

Over the next few years she had ups and downs with her sickness but she always seemed positive and I’m sure a lot of that had to do with the wonderful support network she had in her husband, parents and children.  I got to attend a couple of the Christmas ballets her company put on and she was always happy to see me afterward.   One time I came with a friend from work (Rachel) who I had told Linnea (in confidence, mind you) distinctly resembled a character from one of our favorite shows: Northern Exposure.  The character’s name is Eve and as soon as Linnea saw her she exclaimed “Oh my God! She does look like Eve!”     (Then I had to explain to Rachel who Eve was and what Northern Exposure was.)

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This is Eve, from Northern Exposure.  The actress is Valerie Mahaffey,  (I only know this because I just google searched it.) 

Two weeks ago at the time of this writing Linnea was moved from her home to a Hospice care facility.  One week ago today I went to see her and I am very glad I did.  I wasn’t sure what it would be like but it turned out to be a very comforting experience.  She was surrounded by friends and family the whole time, and her husband and parents welcomed me warmly and thanked me for coming.  They immediately offered me the place of honor right next to her bed where she was sleeping soundly.  We all chatted about our memories with Linnea and it was lighthearted and even jovial.  There was a great deal of laughter, which I know is exactly how she wanted it.  She slept through most of my visit but did wake up several times and lit up just a little bit when she saw me sitting there next to her.   It was really hard to leave, because I knew this was good bye for real.

And sure enough it was  She passed away less than a week later.

It doesn’t seem fair that she is gone and I am still here but there it is and that’s the way things are and so it goes.    I’m having a really difficult time trying to decide how to end this…so here’s a picture of a Storm-trooper hitting his head.

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CLUNK!

If you don’t understand why this is hilarious that’s OK.  Linnea will get it and if she manages to find time in Heaven to read my little tribute to her,  I’ll bet she’s laughing right now.

That One Time Robocop Had An Affair and Maybe Also Killed Some People.

20 Aug

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First of all it’s been at least a year and a half since my last blog posting.  All I have to say about that is…”Bitches. Work. Bitches.  Danzig Memes.”

I may write a blog about these things at some point but most likely I won’t, because every time I say I’m going to write about a particular subject I end up not doing so. (I’m not sure why.)

OK, actually I’ll almost certainly end up writing a post about Danzig Memes.  Possibly as early as tomorrow night.  Here’s a preview:

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I’ve been making a lot of Danzig Memes lately. It’s sort of become my thing.

(Sooooo…anywhoooo:)

I had actually planned on getting some work done on my apartment tonight.  (I still may do so.)  But first, I prepared a burger and some fries and sat down to watch yet another in a continuing series of what was sure to be a pretty bad “80’s Horror Movie.”  I’ve been in a mood for those of late, and have been working my way through somebody’s list of about 500 titles on something called “Youtube,” and started off with one called “Bloody New Year.”  It was so “Bloody Boring As Shit.”  So much so that after I finished my dinner I slept through the vast majority of the rest of it.

I woke up in time for the next film on the list, which seemed a bit more promising as it had Peter Weller in it.  (I like Peter Weller. He starred in such classics as Buckaroo Banzai, Robocop, Naked Lunch, some movie where he fights a giant mutated rat in his apartment while his wife and kids are away, one of the more recent Star Trek films…and lots of other stuff.  I could go on and on, he’s great) It also had another name in it I recognized; “John Glover.” I remembered him as being General Veers from my favorite movie of all time:  “The Empire Strikes Back,” so I was excited to see him in a movie with Peter Weller.

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There’s a slight chance a few of you might also recognize him as a Bond Villain, an Indiana Jones Villain, or even more recently a Game of Thrones (kind of) Villain. Ever the villain has been “John Glover.” (It’s the resting bitch face, I suppose)

 

NOW HOLD ON!!!  It was about two thirds of the way through the movie when I realized I was thinking of JULIAN Glover, not to be confused with DONALD Glover and most certainly not to be confused with the person who was actually in this movie; JOHN Glover.  (Sorry to dash the hopes of the few of you out there who might be reading this that are even more pathetic than I am, with your fingers already poised over your keyboards excitedly waiting to jiz your pants whilst correcting my oh so embarrassing error.  I already figured it out for myself, thank you very much.)

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This is John Glover, not to be confused with Julian or Danny Glover. He was in Smallville.

So the movie starts.  I get about ten minutes in before I’m thinking about skipping it to get to the next film on the list.  First of all, the particular recording I was viewing seemed to be of extremely poor film quality.  It almost looked black and white though the movie was clearly not.  (For the record, I don’t mind black and white movies as long as they are meant to be black and white.)  To add to my boredom the film starts out with a rambling plot which seems to center around a complete dickhead of some form of “Mill Manager.”  (To my immediate recollection, they never do mention just what exactly is being milled)   The story was hard to follow at first, but it seemed clear this “Mill Manager” was having one or more affairs and was a complete asshole to his workers.  To be honest the film was hard to follow at first what with the distraction of the poor film quality and my eternal need for another drink   Where the fuck was Robocop?  Where the fuck was General Veers?  I hadn’t spotted either yet and to be honest it seemed it was going to be hard to do so what with the awful film quality. Yet as so often happens I really had nothing better to do anyway so I poured myself another cocktail and soldiered on.  (Like a BOSS!)

And man am I glad I did. Do you ever start watching a movie… absolutely hate it,… then for some reason,… a little ways in, find yourself transfixed by it and decide you just have to see it through to the end?  More often than not it still ends up being, like most things in life,  a complete waste of time and a massive disappointment, but in this particular instance (SPOILER ALERT) that was not to be the case!

Sometimes as simple a factor as the haunting beauty of the main starlet of a film will keep me engrossed and such was the case with the character that is soon established as the main protagonist, played by Kathy Baker.  (A woman I had never heard of before)  In this movie she was beautiful and intense and for some reason I just wanted to keep watching her.  (Also I’m a perv.)

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Not the best image of her from the movie, but the best one I could find to use in my blog.

Then of course Peter Weller finally appears, and is awesome as always in his own weird droll “Peter Weller” way.  I still kept waiting to spot General Veers.  I began to think he may have been the asshole Mill Manager, who (SPOILER ALERT) dies pretty early on.

(ADDITIONAL SPOILER ALERT) It wasn’t.

The movie actually gets better and better.  Surprises are heaped on and eventually I began to not even notice the shitty look of the film.  (I wouldn’t mind seeing a digitally restored dvd version of it sometime.  None of that High Def shit though. I can’t even stand to be in the same room with that garbage.  I’ll never understand why people like it. It makes everything look like a British Soap Opera.

The ending of the movie is INSANE and made me literally say “HOLY FUCK!!!” out loud by myself in my room.  (And at that point I wan’t even really drunk yet.)

Also by that time I had figured out who John Glover is, and recognized him as being that dude that played Lex Luther’s father on “Smallville.”  (And he’s one of the few redeeming qualities of that show I might add. )

In conclusion, if you get a chance and you feel so inclined, you should totally watch A Killing Affair.  (To make sure it’s clarified, I’m talking about the 1986 one, not the EXTREMELY ironically titled 1977 one with OJ Simpson.)

Oh were you expecting an actual film review?  Sorry.  Go to Rotten Tomatoes or something for that kind of shit.

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I’m Voting For Hillary Clinton, But I’m Secretly Hoping Donald Trump Wins the “Election.” (Here’s Why.)

24 Sep

Anyone who has ever read any of my blogs probably realizes I lean just a little bit towards the cynical side.   The truth is that’s a bit of an understatement.  I’m pretty sure I’m actually a full blown sociopath, but it’s not my fault. It really isn’t.  I blame “Society.”

In person I’m actually a pretty friendly guy.  That’s because I have absolutely nothing against individual people, and choose to be nice to others as much as possible. However I absolutely loathe our society.  I mean LOATHE it down to it’s core.

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The pre-1940’s equivalent of a “Trump Rally”  People are dumb-asses now and they were dumb-asses then.

Human beings are absolutely, without a doubt THE lowest form of organism on the face of the planet we are so giddily demolishing.  We are after all the ONLY living beings capable of malicious intent.  Say what you will about animals that eat other animals, invasive plant species that invade and kill other plants, viruses that invade the bodies of other living organisms; the truth is none of these things are truly evil.  They have no malicious intent. They do what they do to survive and it is purely instinctual, not thought out.

On the other hand, the atrocities human beings inflict on each other (not to mention innocent wildlife and the planet itself) is nothing new.  We are fully capable of grasping the moral implications and yet we perform horrible acts daily.  Arguably it’s been going on since the first proto-humans figured out a way to communicate with other proto-humans.  Almost immediately it became the norm to hoard objects or land,  (equate with money) come up with wild ridiculous theories about natural phenomenon that could be used to exploit or ostracize entire groups of other people (equate with religion) and to make war on one another in all cases using  one or the other, (or both) of the aforementioned idiocies to do so.

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It’s only much worse now because there are so many more of us.  Not only that we are more aware of it thanks in part to the fact that nearly everyone is now walking around with their own personal video recording devices.  (Which is very inconvenient for the the alleged “authorities” who wish to get away with brutalizing the very same people their supposed to be working for.)
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At this point I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that it’s time for humanity to step aside.  There’s simply no hope for us.  The vast majority of our brainless masses are simply too stupid to ever better themselves or their world. Greed, intolerance, and ignorance are our masters now.  I was kind of hoping for alien invasion, but I think the plain and simple fact is that at this point our “progress” has completely ruined the planet far beyond any chance that extra terrestrial life would even have any interest in it.  Our salvation (through self elimination) must come from within.  So now at last I see an answer:  Donald Trump.

This is the guy the movie Idiocracy tried to warn us about.  (You thought it was a comedy, but no…it was a documentary…From The FUTURE!)    A Donald Trump presidency would certainly bring about the end of the world as we know it.  (If Lenny Bruce is not afraid it’s because he’s dead.)

Donald Trump has the potential to be America’s version of Adolph Hitler, for real.  It really doesn’t matter that, unlike Hitler, he’s just not very bright, and neither are his supporters, because nowadays the world has the firepower to destroy itself something like 8000 times over.

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So elect Trump, start World War 3 (which I pretty much envision as America and Britain as the Axis Powers versus the Rest of the World) and end the curse of Humanity that this planet has had the misfortune of enduring for the past million years or so.  (give or take a millennium.)  Because believe me:  NOBODY is going to win World War 3.

I can’t do it myself because I could just never vote for a republican under any circumstances, but by all means elect Donald Trump.  See what happens.  I dare you.  I Triple-Dog dare you!  (Do you see what I did there?  I created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the required double dog dare and leaping right to the triple dog dare, but nobody will remember my gaff when we’re all being melted by nuclear devastation.)

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Oh yeah and on a lighter note, did anyone else catch that Stranger Things show?  That shit was DOPE yo!

The Pros and Cons of Going Through Life as a Pariah.

17 Sep

I believe it is safe to say I have at last reached a new plateau in my existence; a place I’ve always longed for.  I think I can officially apply to myself the much desired appellate of “Pariah.”  (Hooray!!!)

But let me revert back to my childhood for a few moments, to explain how I first came to desire this goal.

I’m a big fan of something called “Star Wars.”  I grew up with it.  Indeed the first Star Wars movie ever created may well have been the first one I ever saw in a movie theater.  (Unless it was Jaws.  To be honest my memories of that phase of my life are somewhat uncertain, buuuuut………..moving on)

During my youth there was a comic book series based on this somewhat popular movie franchise.  It was published by Marvel Comics and was entitled simply:  “Star Wars.”  It is, at this time, no longer considered “canon” but the series still holds a very special place in my life.  These were among the first comic books that I owned in my lifetime, and were purchased for me, without exception, by my mother during trips to the local neighborhood grocery store.

One I remember particularly well was entitled “Pariah.”

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The plot was as follows:  Luke and some other rebels go on a mission to fight the Empire while clandestinely piloting stolen tie fighters.  They emerge from the battle victorious, but upon returning to the rebel base Luke finds himself in most cases ignored (as if he doesn’t exist) and in others actively scorned by his fellow rebel fighters.  He does not understand why until he discovers that he himself (under the guidance of The Force) destroyed one of his own, a female rebel named Shia who he had in fact developed something called “Romantic Feelings” for.  (Eeeeewwww)  It is discovered later she herself was in fact an imperial spy.  (Go figure.)

The story itself was pedantic and plodding, like much comic book literature of its time, designed to make money off the brainless masses such as myself, but there was something else going on in the plot of this book I found myself drawn to.  Wouldn’t it be amazing if I could go through my life completely undetected by other people:  as if I didn’t exist at all.  It sounded like heaven on earth to me, and I began at that very moment, to strive for such an existence.   I believe I have at last achieved that lifelong goal.

It is, at the time of this writing, “Saturday Night.” It’s only a little after 6 pm.  Within an hour I shall be in bed, at a time when most people are probably just getting ready to do something called “Going out for the evening.”  (Boy that sure sounds like fun)

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(I’d like to point out that the human female on the right hand side of the photo literally appears to have puke filling her mouth at the same time as she is attempting to consume alcoholic beverages through her forehead. Wow.  What a good time.)

I am happy to report I do not have the burden of such stupidity.  At the exact same time that most of these drunkards (and most likely Trump Supporters) are passing out in puddles of their own vomit or waking up to ass-rapings in their jail cells I will be getting out of my bed, stone cold sober and ready for my day, in a dark, quiet and mostly empty world.  I will wander about town, playing a game on my cell phone and encountering only bums and town drunkards, the likes of which can easily (and most amusingly) be dismissed with a cheerful “Merry Christmas!  Good Morning!” as I continue listening to my headphones and playing my GPS based game.  (And no it is not Pokemon Go!. That game is for losers.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.))

D160715 pokemon

All of these people are probably going to vote for Donald Trump. 

This new phase of my existence has been most enjoyable, and I hope it continues for the rest of the my sentence on this piece of shit excuse for a planet.

So let’s get down to the Pros and Cons of being a Pariah. (That was, after all, the title of this Blog.)

PROS:

1.) I don’t have to attend “Music Concerts.”  (I’ve managed to avoid all but one this entire year, and I literally took a nap through most of that one, so I think I deserve a pass on it.)  The truth is I despise music and all those who perform it.  I wouldn’t be disappointed at all if they were all suddenly exterminated at the earliest possible convenience.   “Music” serves no purpose other than to annoy me.

2.) I never have to “Entertain Visitors.”  (Or as I like to call it:  “Waiting For People To Leave.”)

3.)  Food.  All the food I can eat.  Nothing else matters.  I can afford to eat anything I want, and it doesn’t matter how grotesquely obese I become, because nobody else’s opinion has any meaning to me.  Homeless starving people can all go to hell. (That is, of course, if I believed in such nonsense as “Hell.”   But, you know what:  SCIENCE! bitches,)

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CONS:

None.

All right it’s bed time.  I hope everyone reading this dies a horribly violent death in the next ten seconds or so.  (Just kidding.  😉 ) .

For I Have Become Fart Denizen: Destroyer Of Worlds.

26 Dec

There are many wonderful benefits to not having any friends or family and this is never more apparent than on December 25th, or as some people call it:  “Christmas.”

How-the-Grinch-Stole-Christmas-christmas-movies-17364455-1067-800

Christmas, oddly enough, has actually become my favorite day of the year.  I don’t have to work.  I don’t have to go anywhere.  I don’t have to do anything, and most importantly I don’t have to see or talk to anyone.  It’s the one day of the year I can truly be by myself all day long.  In fact, much of the world around me becomes a sort of ghost town allowing me to pretend I am the lone survivor of some sort of Apocalypse that wiped out everyone except me and left buildings, trees and animals alone.  (That’s my favorite type of Apocalypse fantasy.)

charlton-heston-as-robert-neville-in-the

This is from a very underrated Charlton Heston movie entitled Omega Man

Not having anyone in my life to exchange gifts with, dine with or hang out with has freed me up to develop my own particular traditions on this annual day of extreme solitude. For quite some time I referred to the day simply as “Lord of the Rings Day” and would spend it watching all three extended edition Lord of the Rings movies.  (All 10 hours or so.)  I’d hunker down on the couch in my empty apartment, immerse myself in a cocoon of pillows and blankets, surround myself with food and other recreational substances, and spend the whole day in Middle Earth.

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As it turned out I got kind of bored with that after five years or so.

Another favorite Christmas hobby I came up with was to find a popular grocery store of some kind,  closed for the so called holiday, and just sit across the street from it all day watching one moron after another pull into the completely empty parking lot, climb out of their car and waddle up to the door of the completely dark, OBVIOUSLY closed place of business.  Sometimes they smack right into the glass like a bird hitting a window.  Sometimes they stand there and peer through the door, thinking there just has to be someone inside to let them come in and purchase whatever idiotic item they forgot to buy yesterday.  (They never seem to notice the sign posted on the door informing them the store is closed for the holiday.)  Usually, after several minutes of peering through the windows, the frustrated shopper will stomp back to their vehicle, completely aghast at the realization that they aren’t as entitled as they thought they were.  Such entertaining antics never fail to get a laugh out of me, though it also takes what little faith I may have once had in humanity down a couple more notches.

black-friday-lines

Duuuuh…Are they open?

I thought it would be fun to set up a little judging station across the street, and I could rate people based on their performance.  The slow drive-by gawkers would just get a 1 or 2, but the  ones who actually park, get out of their cars and walk up to the door would get higher ratings based on their reactions.  I suppose I could probably even create my own reality show, but the truth is I loathe reality television and everything it stands for.

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I assure you we are NOT open.

  Then,a couple months ago, I started playing this game called Ingress.  I was dead set against it for the longest time, mostly because I was dead set against ever getting a cell phone.  For purely philosophical reasons I was determined to be the last person on Earth without a mobile communication device.  For one thing I like being off the grid.  For another, I generally think people who walk around (or drive around) texting or talking or just staring at their phones are the worst type of scum on the planet.  These are the kind of people who believe Onion articles or Fox News, can’t wait to vote for Donald Trump, and smell their fingers after they wipe their butts.  (I call people who do this “Shit n’ Sniffs.”)

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These half wits will no doubt be running our alleged “country” in a few more years.

 

Alas, some time ago my  employers gave me… you guessed it… a fucking cell phone, thus ruining my 40+ year streak of getting by just fine without one.

As it turns out, I really only use it for one purpose; to play a video game.  So now I myself have become that which I have always despised more than anything else:  “A Cell Phone Scum.”  This is why I selected a fitting moniker for my player profile:  “Fart Denizen.”

I must admit, however, there is something really cool about this particular game.  Unlike most video games one actually has to physically walk around to play it!  Using GPS technology the game takes place in real space, and players choose to be on either the green faction (aka: cool people) of the blue faction (aka: mindless tools) and these two factions battle to take over virtual portals located all over the world.   In some ways it works very much like an rpg, in that you have to level your player character up by performing various actions.  (Which is also why I so easily became addicted to it.)

Christmas, as it turned out, was the perfect time to go out, early in the morning (I left my apartment at 2:30 am) and take over the entire city.  Usually downtown Ann Arbor is almost all blue portals, but by noon I had it looking like this.

Ingress

I also got to add to my collection of cool pictures of downtown Ann Arbor with no annoying people in them.

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Suffice it to say, Ann Arbor would be a much cooler place to live if it looked like this all the time.

 

Mix and Mingle

6 Sep

This is a reblog from Be Free 2 Love, who is dedicating Sundays on her blog for meet and greets, which are always fun ways to find new blogs and new followers for your own blog!  Come by and check it out!

http://befree2love.com/2015/09/06/connect-with-memix-and-mingle/

I’ve Decided To Take A Day Off From Blogging Tonight

2 Sep

It was bound to happen eventually.  Sometimes I just don’t feel like doing something, and when I don’t feel like doing something I usually don’t do it.

The oppressive misery of the never ending Michigan summer continues unabated.  Eventually it might cool down a little.  At some point we might even get that day or two of “winter” we sometimes get treated to, but I have little faith.  Every day my dream of moving to Antarctica seems more and more like a fabulous idea.  Very few people, absolutely NO hot days, and to top it all off, there may even be the possibility of having my body taken over and mimicked by an alien life form dead set on taking over the entire human race.  Sounds like a dream come true right now.

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My crummy mood has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I’ve had very little sleep lately.  Last night, for instance I was exhausted, and had to get up quite early the next morning, however not only did I have to endure the sensation that i was being baked in an oven, there was an annoying insect, bird or frog of some kind making an incessant noise over and over again, and it sounded like they were right outside my window.  (I know what you’re thinking but it wasn’t a cricket. I know what a cricket sounds like, and this wasn’t it.  I can actually sleep through cricket noise.  In fact I almost find it soothing.)  This, on the other hand, was a single, piercing, obnoxious repeating noise.  I’ve been racking my brain all day to find a way to describe the sound, but nothing quite captures it.  I suppose the closest I can come is a cross between a click and a chirp.  So I guess it was kind of like a “Clirp.”  It took place, almost without fail about every one and a half seconds.  Sometimes it would stop for a couple minutes, and as soon as I thought it was over, it would start again.

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CLIRP!   CLIRP!  CLIRP!!!

I laid in bed, wanting nothing more than to get at least five hours of sleep.  My eyes closed tight yet seemingly wide open at the same time.  The droning white noise of three fans surrounding my head did nothing to mask the insistent call of the mystery creature.

CLIRP!  CLIRP!  CLIRP! ………CLIRP!

I tried putting on these great big sound cancelling headphones on (They look like Princess Leia’s hair) but alas, not only was it impossible to fall asleep while wearing them, I COULD STILL HEAR THAT DAMN NOISE!!!  (And all I wanted was to try to obtain 4 hours of sleep.)

CLIRP!

I developed a real seething hatred for whatever living thing was making this noise.  It had to be doing it for no other reason than to torment me.  I fantasized about getting my hands on the creature, which I for some reason imagined to be some kind of giant locust, and slowly (yes slowly) crushing the life out of it.  A quick death would not do.  I longed to tighten my fingers around it’s body slowly while it’s eyeballs bulged and eventually it’s exoskeleton cracked, allowing its yellow guts to drizzle out in all directions as it writhed and withered helplessly to the ground.  (And all I wanted was 3 hours of sleep.)

964642-locusts

CLIRP!   CLIRP!…………….

…….

DId it finally stop?

……….

Could it be?

CLIRP! CLIRP! CLIRP! CLIRP! CLIRP!

So that’s how my night went.  Here and there I would manage to doze off, only to be awakened again to find that only a few minutes had passed.

Eventually I did fall asleep for a grand total of perhaps 2 and a half hours, yet for some reason, as I sit here not writing a blog, I’m not tired.  It may have something to so with the rum that I am consuming, or the fact that I’ve decided at long last to take a night off from contributing a post to my blog, or perhaps it’s the cruel irony that I most likely have to go through it all again tonight.

Also I had to take a drug test today for my promotion at work.  Tomorrow night I have absolutely no intention of writing about how awful that was.

urine-cup

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