Profanity is fucking hilarious.

I am aware of the fact that my last blog post may have offended a few people, and if so I sincerely and whole-heartedly want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that I don’t give a shit.

(I stole that from Redd Foxx.  I would have asked him for permission, but he’s dead.)

In spite of what I just said, it actually isn’t ever my intention to offend anyone, but let’s be honest if a person really is offended by a word, then they may have some much deeper rooted problems than I’m prepared to deal with.  So I think one of the reasons I frequently pepper my blog posts with little tid bits of profanity is to weed out language tee-teetotalers, and keep them the hell away from my fucking blog!

Also I think “bad words” are fucking hilarious especially when used in bizarre or unexpected contexts.  This may also have something to do with the fact that I’ve seen The Big Lebowski well over a hundred times.

Now let’s analyze this word:  “Fucking.”  What does it literally mean?  To engage in the act of sexual intercourse!  Which is something almost all living sentient creatures LOVE doing!  In fact let’s face it, without fucking, there’d be none of us here.  Your parents did it.  My parents did it.  Their parents did it.  Their parents did it.  Everyone does it!  (Well, almost everyone.  Then there’s me, but I’ll save that rant for another blog, though below you’ll find a preview of this impending offering:)

(I actually count myself in the minority by admitting that I personally think the “sex act” is pretty fucking gross. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassing, and foul smelling, not to mention the possible side effects of diseases, unwanted babies, and the unenviable scenario in which you wake up next to something that looks like Cthulhu in your bed, when just the night before you were pretty sure she looked just like Scarlett Johannson, and told her so, much to her delight.    With these possible horrors in mind I can honestly say I’m quite happy with the fact that I’ve only gotten to perform the alleged “sex act” a handful of times in my lengthy visit to this planet, but I’m willing to entertain the notion this could be sort of a “Fox and the Grapes” thing, and if you don’t understand my brilliant literary reference, go read Aesop’s Fables.  I’m not here to hand out a free education in the finer things.)

Lenny Bruce had a brilliant act about this word, (and profanity in general) and this was back in a day when you could actually go to jail for uttering profanity in public, even in an adult comedy club.  (And he did in fact go to jail on a number of occasions for just that very thing.)

“Fuck you.” Never understood that insult, because fucking someone is actually really REALLY nice, man!  I mean if we’re trying to be mean, we really should say “unfuck you!”  – Lenny Bruce.

He had another brilliant rant about the “N” word.  It went a little something like “If everybody just went around saying it all day long (The “N” word or for that matter any other derogatory word used to designate a race of people in an unfavorable light) to everybody, to everything, all the time regardless of context, then eventually the sinister aspect of all those words would fall away, leaving just a harmless collection of syllables, and then no little kid would ever go home crying because someone called him an “N” in school.

(Watch the movie “Lenny” with Dustin Hoffman.  It’s really good.)

One of my proudest moments in my tumultuous off and on again college career, indeed my entire life, was when I gave my first speech in “Speech 101” at Eastern Michigan University.  I was absolutely terrified, though apparently I didn’t appear to be.  I also volunteered to go first, as nobody else wanted to, I wouldn’t have to follow anyone else, and I figured I would rather just get the damn thing out of the way. Plus I think I got a little extra credit for being the only person in the whole class willing to go up first.  It was a pretty open ended assignment, unlike some of the later ones, which were far more specific.  We were simply to get up and talk for about 5 minutes about someone we considered a personal hero.  I selected George Carlin, and, mostly in order to draw attention away from myself I was going to draw this picture to display, but I didn’t get it around to finishing it.  (In fact I drew it a couple years later, for someone who wanted to “borrow” my speech, or aspects of it, for a class of their own at a different college.)

It’s George Carlin. If you can’t tell, then Unfuck you! Unfuck you very much!

So I get up in front of the class, feeling like my knees were practically knocking together from the intense nervousness I was experiencing, though the professor had told us it was common to feel that way, and nobody could actually see your knees shaking, and began:

“In 1956 the FCC, or Federal Communications Commission, ruled there were seven words that could not be used in any public radio broadcast.  Those seven words were FuckShitPissCuntCocksuckerMotherfucker and Tits.  (Big, BIG laugh from everyone in the room, including the professor.  I had to actually wait a couple seconds for the laughing to die down before I could continue.)  “In case you didn’t catch that the first time, that was  FuckShitPissCuntCocksuckerMotherfucker….and Tits.  (More laughter.)  Then I went on to talk for about 4 and a half more minutes about how awesome George Carlin was and how he and others before him (such as Lenny Bruce and Redd Foxx) had championed the first amendment which guaranteed our right to free speech, and were personally responsible for striking down the vast majority of attempts to censor people’s right to talk freely.

I’m not trying to toot my own horn too much, but it was a good speech, and I executed it perfectly, which surprised even myself. I received a glowing write up from the professor, with top marks, which I still have somewhere to this day.  (Of course I think I also still have report cards from kindergarten somewhere too.)

The professor even added, as I was returning to my seat while everyone was still clapping and laughing. “Now everybody has to follow that!”  (I was beaming, but it still didn’t get me laid)

Well I think that’s about all I got for tonight, which completes my first whole WEEK of daily blog posting!  Woo HOO!!!

I’ll close with a currently popular internet meme, which probably isn’t Richard Pryor’s exact words, since it’s obviously been modified to apply to the internet, but it’s still pretty fucking funny, and totally right on.